Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one
> says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"
>
> Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny
> to you?"
>
> Two prostitutes standing on a street corner. One says to the other,"Have
> you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" The other replies, "No, but I've
> been swung around by the t*ts!"
>
> Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the
> other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
>
> An 83 year old woman decided that she'd seen and done everything, and the
> time had come to depart from this world. After considering various methods
> of doing away with herself she came to a conclusion. The quickest and
> surest way would be to shoot herself through the heart. The trouble was,
> she wasn't certain about exactly where her heart was, so she phoned her
> doctor and asked him. He told her that her heart was located two inches
> below her left nipple. She shot herself in the left kneecap.
>
> A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and
> starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out:
> 'Can I help, sir?'. 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
>
> Patient: Doctor, you've got to help me. Every night I get the urge to go
> downstairs and stick my dick into the biscuit tin. Do you know what's
> wrong with me?
> Doctor: Yes ... you're f***ing crackers.
>
> A man gets on a train and sits next to a blonde reading a book called Sex
> Statistics. 'Any good?', he asks. 'Fascinating - American Indians have the
> widest pr*cks, and Polish men the longest. By the way, I'm Jane.' 'Hi,' he
> says. 'I'm Tonto Palawlaski.'
>
> It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go
> "aagghhhh!" and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on
> an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
>
> He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of you trouser legs and
> put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."
>
> The back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking
> money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this
> is my livelihood.'
>
> I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a
> lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"
>
> You know, somebody actually complimented me today. They left a little note
> on my car windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
>
> I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said I want to buy an ice-cream'.
> He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'No just one.' He said
> "knickerbocker glory?". I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in
> these trousers, yes.'
>
> I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' The shop assistant said
> "To camp?', I said (butchly) 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I
> also want to buy a caravan.' He said 'Camper?'. I said (campily) 'Make
> your mind up.'
>
> I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My
> dog's died.'"
>
> Most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went
> back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And he said to me 'Get
> out of the filing cabinet.'"
>
> I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's
> speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"
>
> I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming
> baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"
>
> I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'
> He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
>
> Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people
> in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or
> my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think
> it's Colin."
>
> I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said
> 'You've been promoted.', and I swerved. Then he rang up a second time
> and said "You've been promoted again.', and I swerved again. He rang up a
> third time and said 'You're managing director.', and I crashed into a
> tree. A policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?', and I said 'I
> careered off the road.'
>
> Giggs: What've you got there, Becks?
> Beckham: A thermos flask.
> Giggs: What does it do?
> Beckham: Keeps hot things hot and keeps cold things cold.
> Giggs: So what've you got in it?
> Beckham: Some coffee and two choc-ices.
>
> Irishman is sent for a job interview by the Job Centre. He finds the
> place he's looking for and says he's come about the job. The receptionist
> says, "Fine, but you have to fill in a questionnaire." So he goes outside
> and punches the doorman.
>
> Sitting Bull to hotel receptionist, "I'd like a single room please."
>
> Receptionist, "Do you have a reservation?"
>
> Three squaws at a papoose crèche (or is it crêche?) with their respective
> baby sons. Two of the boys are rolling around playing on traditional
> buffalo skins and one is playing on a hippopotamus skin. After a while
> they begin arguing over who is going to grow up to be the bravest brave
> etc and a fight breaks out. Eventually the winner emerges and it is the
> boy who was on the hippo skin. So the son of the squaw on the hide of the
> hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.
>
>
> Van Helsing: Count Dracula, if you don't reveal the whereabouts of your
> victims I will instruct this executioner to decapitate you with that
> extremely large axe he's holding. As you know, decapitation for you means
> the end - you will no longer be Nosferatu, the undead.
> Count Dracula: You don't frighten me - you'd never dare to carry out your
> threat. It will mean you'll never find the people you seek.
> VH: Au contraire, Count (all that money on an education and I still can't
> spell!!), if you do not give me the information by the time I count to
> three, I will give the order.
> CD: I don't believe you
> VH: One.....
> CD: You're bluffing
> VH: Two.....
> CD: You won't do it - OK, OK I'll tell .....
> VH Three
> hwack - Dracula is decapitated
> Moral: Don't hatchet your counts before they chicken.
>
> Dr: "How can I help?"
> Patient: "I can't pronounce my Fs, Ts and Hs."
> Dr: "Well you can't say fairer than that then."
>
> Little Scots boy comes home with a beaming smile and says to his dad, "I
> just saved £1".
> Dad says, "That's my boy! How did you do it?"
> Boy looks really pleased with himself and says, "Instead of catching the
> bus I ran behind it all the way home - 3 miles!"
> Dad gives him a terrific clout across the heeeed and says, "Next time, run
> home behind a taxi and save a fiver!".
>
> Scotsman: "My son was born on St Andrew's Day so naturally I called him
> Andrew."
> Englishman: "My son was born on St George's Day, so naturally I called
> him George."
> Welshman: "My son was born on St David's Day so naturally I called him
> David."
> Irishman: "Well my son, Pancake ......."
>
> Quasimodo, has taken on an apprentice bell-ringer and is giving
> instruction in the art of campanology.
> "You have to give it a really good head-but and hit it as hard as you
> can" says Q. He demonstrates and there is a huge pealing of bells. "OK,
> now you try." says he.
> The apprentice takes a running jump at the bell and smashes it as hard as
> he can in the prescribed manner, but there is not a sound. He is exhorted
> to try again. He does so - same result, or lack of. He has a few more
> attempts but cannot coax the smallest sound out of the bell.
> "Have one last try" says Q and the apprentice goes back as far as he
> possibly can to take a charge at the bell. He runs at it full pelt.
> Unfortunately, a few feet before he is due to take his flying leap, he
> trips over a loose floorboard, looses his balance and plummets down the
> bell-tower to the ground several hundred feet below.
> Q scampers down and by the time he arrives there is a crowd gathered and
> the paramedics are already there. Q pushes his way through and a
> paramedic says to him "Do you know anything about this man?".
> Q says, "Well his face doesn't ring a bell".
>
> Two tramps walking along street. First one stops and says "Look - a dog
> turd." Second tramp says "That's not a King Richard." First one says "Yes
> it is". He bends down, sniffs it, prods it with his finger and then puts
> the finger in his mouth to taste it. He says "It's definitely a King
> Richard." The other one says, "Lucky we didn't step in it."
>
> Its a cracker.......................
>
> A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life
> by throwing herself into the sea. When she went down the docks, a handsome
> young sailor noticed her in tears and took pity on her. "Look, you've got
> a lot to live for" he said.
> "I'm off to America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away
> on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food
> every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and
> added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
> The girl nodded. After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the
> sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
> From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of
> fruit and they made passionate love until dawn.
> Three weeks later during a routine search, the captain discovered her.
> "What are you doing here?" the captain asked.
> "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors", she explained. "He's
> taking me to America, and he's feeding me."
> "What are you doing for him?" said the captain.
> "He's shafting me" said the girl.
> "He certainly is," replied the captain, "This is the Isle of Wight ferry
