4Hero Posted September 21, 2006 Posted September 21, 2006 2 aerials on a roof, fall in love, get married. The reception was great but the wedding was crap [] * edited due to my bad memory, joke telling, keyboard skills *
st3ph3n Posted September 21, 2006 Posted September 21, 2006 Ummm. Neil, isn't it the other way round mate? Crap wedding, great reception?
Kenny.S Posted September 21, 2006 Posted September 21, 2006 A jelly baby goes to the doctors with his willy all covered in licorice Doctor asks "what the hell have you been up to?" Jelly baby replies "f**king allsorts!"
andy Posted September 21, 2006 Posted September 21, 2006 A man is in bed with his wife whenthere's a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over, looks at his clock,and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed,"he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" his wife says. He drags himself out of bed, goesdownstairs, and opens the door to see there's a man standing there "Hi there," says the stranger. "Can you give me apush??" "No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," he says andslams the door. He goes back up to bed and tellshis wife what happened. She says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you.Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way topick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man'shouse to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told usto get lost??" "But it's after three in the moring," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts,"Hey, do you still want a push??"And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on the swing."
sheep Posted September 21, 2006 Posted September 21, 2006 TO MY DEAR WIFE: During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often: 54 times the sheets were clean 17 times it was too late 49 times you were too tired 20 times it was too hot 15 times you pretended to be sleep 22 times you had a headache 17 times you were afraid of waking the baby 16 times you said you were too sore 12 times it was the wrong time of the month 19 times you had to get up early 9 times you said weren't in the mood 7 times you were sunburned 6 times you were watching the late show 5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo 3 times you said the neighbors would hear us 9 times you said your mother would hear us Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because: 6 times you just laid there 8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with 7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished 1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move KEEP READING....... ===================================================== <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /> TO MY DEAR HUSBAND: I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did: 5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat 36 times you did not come home at all 21 times you didn't cum 33 times you came too soon 19 times you went soft before you got in 38 times you worked too late 10 times you got cramps in your toes 29 times you had to get up early to play golf 2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls 4 times you got it stuck in your zipper 3 times you had a cold and your nose was running 2 times you had a splinter in your finger 20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day 6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book 98 times you were too busy watching TV Of the times we did get together: The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?" The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe
scoobymark Posted September 22, 2006 Posted September 22, 2006 Now for the best joke of the week????? Captian Fantastic has a 12 second scooby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL
Gumball Posted September 22, 2006 Author Posted September 22, 2006 HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA THATS A DULLION JUST HOPE THIS AGREES WITH DOUGSTERs PALLET? if not blow me
fai17 Posted September 22, 2006 Posted September 22, 2006 Quote Now for the best joke of the week?????Captian Fantastic has a 12 second scooby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL That's the best yet.[]
fai17 Posted September 22, 2006 Posted September 22, 2006 A man walks into the Chinese takaway... Brass Linky ask him"Whot choo wor" Whiteman"Sweet & Sour Chicken Fried Rice" Brass Linky"No...Whot choo wor" Whiteman goes"Sweet & Sour Chicken Friend Rice[:@]" Brass Linky"No......Whot choo wor" Whiteman"For the last time Sweet & Sour Chicken Fried Rice[:@][:@]" Brass Linky"No.........Whot choo wor ..there's wet paint"[]
kebab nemesis Posted September 22, 2006 Posted September 22, 2006 What goes clippety clop, clippety clop, clippety clop, BANG, BANG, clippety clop, clippety clop? An amish drive by shooting
z1000 Posted September 22, 2006 Posted September 22, 2006 A couple just got married and on the night of the honeymoon just as there about to make love the wife tells the husband "please be gentle i'm still a virgin" The husband shocked replys " how can this be possible you've been married 3 times before ?" The wife responds "well my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it" "my second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk to it and my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was......" Oh i do miss him.
Gumball Posted September 22, 2006 Author Posted September 22, 2006 after wild sex, guy turns to the woman and says "if i knew you were a virgin i would have taken my time" Girl- "If i thought you had more time i would have taken my tights off"
craig mac Posted September 22, 2006 Posted September 22, 2006 I only found out i was dyslexic when i went to a Toga party dressed as a goat. (Thankfully there were no touchers there) Dog walks into the job centre and asks for a job, The girl says "we are sorry we dont hire dogs, Try the circus" Dog Replies " What would a Circus do with a plumber?" Craig
wilky Posted September 22, 2006 Posted September 22, 2006 Mummy Mummy! Why am I running round in circles? Shut up or Ill nail your other foot to the floor.
peter_reid Posted September 22, 2006 Posted September 22, 2006 What did one snowman say to the other? Can you smell carrots?
frank c Posted September 22, 2006 Posted September 22, 2006 Two irish men go to the job centre 1 say's to the other ..here we go "Tree Fellers Wanted" The other replies..That's no good , there's only two of us!
wilky Posted September 23, 2006 Posted September 23, 2006 Mummy Mummy, whys daddy running across the field? Shut up and reload....
scientific steve Posted September 23, 2006 Posted September 23, 2006 mummy mummy, can i lick the bowl ???? NO, flush it like everyone else
z1000 Posted September 23, 2006 Posted September 23, 2006 The irish bosleigh team refused to compete in the winter olympics until the course had been gritted.
z1000 Posted September 24, 2006 Posted September 24, 2006 Q. How does a Scotsman find a sheep in tall grass? A. Very satisfying.
karps Posted September 24, 2006 Posted September 24, 2006 mummy mummy i hate daddys guts so leave them at the side of your plate then
ally-b Posted September 24, 2006 Posted September 24, 2006 Womans dishwasher stopped working so she called an electrician. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the electrician, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll send you a cheque . " "Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike. He won't bother you. But,whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!" When the electrician arrived at the woman's flat the following day, he found the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen! But, just as she had said, the dog just lay quietly on the carpet watching him go about his work. The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.Finally he couldn't stand it any longer and yelled at the parrot:- "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!" To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!" Some people just don't listen !!![] <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />
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