Jump to content

JOKES THREAD


Recommended Posts

Posted

2 aerials on a roof, fall in love, get married.

The reception was great but the wedding was crap [:D]

* edited due to my bad memory, joke telling, keyboard skills *

  • Replies 66
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

Posted

A jelly baby goes to the doctors with his willy all covered in licorice

Doctor asks "what the hell have you been up to?"

Jelly baby replies "f**king allsorts!"

Posted

A man is in bed with his wife when
there's a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over, looks at his clock,
and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed,"
he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.


"Aren't you going to answer that?" his wife says.


He drags himself out of bed, goes
downstairs, and opens the door to see there's a man standing there  "Hi there," says the stranger. "Can you give me a
push??"


"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," he says and
slams the door.


He goes back up to bed and tells
his wife what happened. She says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you.
Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to
pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's
house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us
to get lost??"


"But it's after three in the moring," says the husband.


"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."


So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts,


"Hey, do you still want a push??"


And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah please."


So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"


And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on the swing."

Posted

TO MY DEAR WIFE:

 

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.

 

 

I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.

 

The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

 

54 times the sheets were clean

17 times it was too late

49 times you were too tired

20 times it was too hot

15 times you pretended to be sleep

22 times you had a headache

17 times you were afraid of waking the baby

16 times you said you were too sore

12 times it was the wrong time of the month

19 times you had to get up early

9 times you said weren't in the mood

7 times you were sunburned

6 times you were watching the late show

5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo

3 times you said the neighbors would hear us

9 times you said your mother would hear us

 

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

 

6 times you just laid there

8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling

4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with

7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished

1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

 

KEEP READING.......

 

=====================================================

<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

 

TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:

 

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:

 

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat

36 times you did not come home at all

21 times you didn't cum

33 times you came too soon

19 times you went soft before you got in

38 times you worked too late

10 times you got cramps in your toes

29 times you had to get up early to play golf

2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls 

4 times you got it stuck in your zipper

3 times you had a cold and your nose was running

2 times you had a splinter in your finger

20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day

6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book

98 times you were too busy watching TV

 

Of the times we did get together:

 

The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.

I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"

The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe

Posted

A man walks into the Chinese takaway...

Brass Linky ask him"Whot choo wor"

Whiteman"Sweet & Sour Chicken Fried Rice"

Brass Linky"No...Whot choo wor"

Whiteman goes"Sweet & Sour Chicken Friend Rice[:@]"

Brass Linky"No......Whot choo wor"

Whiteman"For the last time Sweet & Sour Chicken Fried Rice[:@][:@]"

Brass Linky"No.........Whot choo wor ..there's wet paint"[:P]

Posted

A couple just got married and on the night of the honeymoon just as there about to make love the wife tells the husband "please be gentle i'm still a virgin"

The husband shocked replys " how can this be possible you've been married 3 times before ?"

The wife responds "well my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it"

"my second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk to it and my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was......"

Oh i do miss him.

Posted

after wild sex, guy turns to the woman and says

"if i knew you were a virgin i would have taken my time"

Girl- "If i thought you had more time i would have taken my tights off"

Posted

I only found out i was dyslexic when i went to a Toga party dressed as a goat.

(Thankfully there were no touchers there)

 

Dog walks into the job centre and asks for a job, The girl says "we are sorry we dont hire dogs, Try the circus"

Dog Replies " What would a Circus do with a plumber?"

 

Craig

 

Posted

Two irish men go to the job centre

1 say's to the other ..here we go "Tree Fellers Wanted"

The other replies..That's no good , there's only two of us!

Posted

Womans dishwasher stopped working so she called an electrician.

Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the electrician, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll send you a cheque .

"

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike. He won't bother you.

But,whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"

"I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the electrician arrived at the woman's flat the following day, he found the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen! But, just as she had said, the dog just lay quietly on the carpet watching him go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.Finally he couldn't stand it any longer and yelled at the parrot:-

"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

 

 

 

 

 

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

 

Some people just don't listen !!![:D]

<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

 

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now



×
×
  • Create New...