O/T Wedding Speeches

[~ ~ Cal ~~]

Gie us yer experiences as a groom or best man ! Any tips ? Any regrets ?

Delivering a speech next Saturday and raw advice is sought via this diverse mad house !

Thanks in advance

Cal

[G.T.]

i was best man for my mate one of the most scary moments of my life, hope youre getting your meal after the speaches then you will get to enjoy it.

[~ ~ Cal ~~]

nah .............meal first..........I tend to have a lot to say so could not guarantee a deadline [:$]

my brother is my best man is shy as hell when sober but a pure ladies man / joker when half cut...

dangerous territory abound

[oobster]

Dunno why, coz I am a fairly shy kinda bloke, but when I gave my grooms speech last year I wasn't nervous at all. Put a few funnies in, mention my dad & grandpa that have both passed away & said I hope they were watching over me saying well done son, got the head waiter to bring me a blank piece of paper so i could do a "news just in" joke.

Also included in my speech: Whats the difference between Outlaws & Inlaws? Outlaws are wanted.

[SEEVERS]

Cal..as for tips,there's plenty of sites out there that are very helpful in constructing a speech wether you are best man/groom.

I found some of them pretty helpful to put jokes/stories/soppy shit into context as the best man for my bro.

 

Del.

[seafar99]

Went to my mate's wedding last week, which was in a large marquee next to a castle on the outskirts of Dunblane.

The father of the bride's opening gambit was " Welcome to Colonel Gadaffi's Holiday home! "

there was a free bar all day and night, unforgettable...hope your goes just as well.

 

craig.

[st3ph3n]

Cal, no need to be nervous mate. Just tell people exactly why you're there and doing what you're doing and the words will flow and everyone will go "awww".

My mate is getting married a week on Saturday to a Danish girl and it's apparently Danish tradition that everyone sings a song they've written at the wedding. Thankfully they've dispensed with that tradition but LOADS of people will be doing speaches and dinner is likely to be about 4 hours!

So count yourself lucky.

[~ ~ Cal ~~]

Fear not ......I don't doubt my banter.............but chinese wisdom says i must draw upon others for advice.

Del I would normally agree with you until I read the suggested groom's line on the dubya dubya dubya...........

" canny wait till you lot do wan' so I can get her up the stair's"

that is what I call a Majorie choker !

 

[jcscoob]

I touch goats bud []

[thewelsho]

Cal, here is a speech ready made for you ... No need to thank me, just do a god job ....

 

 

 

What is a turbo?

Quite simply, a turbo is merely an exhaust-driven compressor. Imagine a small shaft about the size and length of a new pencil. Now rigidly attach a pinwheel to each end of the pencil. One pinwheel (called the turbine) is placed in the path of the exhaust gases which are exiting the engine. These gasses are 'caught' in the turbine, causing it to spin. This in turn spins the whole shaft, along with the pinwheel on the other end (called the compressor). The compressor is placed in the intake air's path; once it begins spinning, it actually compresses the air on its way into the engine.

Why is this beneficial? Well, normally aspirated engines have to work to draw in their intake air. In other words, as the intake valves open, the piston's downward movement creates a vacuum which 'sucks in' some air through the intake system. Ideally, the piston's movement would suck in 100% of the air that could fill the combustion chamber. In the real world this is not the case; the typical engine will draw in only about 80% of the total volume of the combustion chamber. There are many reasons for this--intake restrictions, valve timing, camshaft design, and much more.

Now imagine that the engine mentioned above has a turbocharger. When the turbo compresses the air it builds up pressure in the intake manifold. Now when the intake valves open, air is actually forced into the combustion chamber. (This is one reason why turbocharged engines are sometimes referred to as 'forced-induction' engines.) As you might imagine, this allows more air to fill the chamber.

Okay, so now we have more air entering the engine. To benefit from this, we need more fuel to match. On computerized vehicles such as these, various sensors will "see" this amount of boost pressure and increase the amount of fuel accordingly. Now that we also have more fuel entering the engine, more power is made. (When you get right down to it, the only way to make more power--on any engine--is to shove more of the proper air/fuel mixture into the engine.)

How do turbochargers and superchargers differ?

While they perform the same function, turbochargers and superchargers go about it in completely different ways. As has already been mentioned, a turbo is driven by the exhaust gasses which are already being expelled from the engine. So, in effect, turbos add 'free' power since their compression is created by what was already discarded.

Superchargers, however, are different: they are belt-driven. They feature a pulley whose belt is directly attached to the crankshaft, this allowing them to spin in direct proportion to the engine itself. The upside is a near absence of lag (see below); at least some boost is typically available the instant you crack the throttle. The primary drawback to a supercharger, however, is that they take power to make power. The overall result is more power than there would be without the supercharger; it's just that they aren't as efficient as a turbocharger from an energy standpoint. Other drawbacks include lower mid-range power than a turbo, lower thermal efficiency than a turbo, (sometimes) much harder to incorporate intercooling, etc.

What is turbo lag (and how do I avoid it)?

The majority of turbochargers feature a wastegate--a valve which allows some of the exhaust gas to be directed around the turbine. This allows the turbo's shaft to spin at a reduced speed, promoting increased turbo life (among other things). Think of it as a 'stand by' mode. Since the turbo isn't needed during relaxed driving anyway, this effect is harmless...

...until you suddenly want to accelerate. Let's say that you are loafing along, engine spinning 1500 rpm or so. You instantly floor the throttle. The exhaust gas flows through the turbo and cause it to spool (spin up to speed and create boost). However, at this engine speed there isn't very much exhaust gas coming out. Worse still, the turbo needs to really get spinning to create a lot of boost. (Some turbos will spin at 150,000 rpm and beyond!) So you, the driver, need to wait for engine revs to raise and create enough exhaust gas flow to spool the turbo. This wait time--the period between hitting the throttle at low engine speed and the creation of appreciable boost--is properly called boost response. Many people incorrectly call it lag, which is really something different. Lag actually refers to how long it takes to spool the turbo when you're already at a sufficient engine speed to create boost. For example, let's say your engine can make 12 psi at 4000 RPM. You're cruising along at a steady road speed, engine spinning 4000 RPM, and now you floor it. How long it takes to achieve your usual 12 psi is your turbo's lag time. Between the two, slow boost response usually causes the most complaints.

There are two aspects to consider when dealing with boost response: engine factors and driver factors. As far as engine factors go, there are many things which affect turbo lag... although most are directly related to the design of the turbo itself. Turbos can be designed to minimize lag but this usually comes at the expense of top-end flow. In other words, you can barter for instant boost response by giving up gobs of horsepower in the upper third of your RPM range. (Behold the catch-22 in designing one turbo for all uses.)

Driver factors are another matter. You basically need to understand how a turbo works and modify your driving style accordingly. To sum it up, don't get caught with your pants down! If you feel that there may soon be a sudden need for serious thrust, downshift until your engine speed is at least 3000 RPM. This way there will be noticable boost almost as soon as you hit WOT. If you are going up a hill at WOT around, say 1800 RPM and your speed is dropping, you'll need to downshift just like any other car in the same situation. Remember: turbos need exhaust gas in order to spin. Let them have some when they need it.

[st3ph3n]

"This one time, at band camp ..."

[ormiboy]

ive got a best man speech to deliver in four weeks time so ive spent a fair bit of time on the example speech web sites.

one thing to watch is having read about a hundred, the number of reapeated gags is scary. bit of a sod cos some are very good but the last thing you want is to be using well used material.

i have nicked obbs gag about the inlaws so you might want to avoid that one

good luck.

how about this one.....

i asked the minister what his opinions are as regards to sex before marrige......he`s was quite happy as long as the ceremony was not held up to long...

boom,boom.

 

[craigwrx]

Done a couple in the past, and to be honest was bloody nervous. The first time

around, had it all written out, don't recommend that thou, cause to do it

successfully u need to spend most of ur time looking @ ur audience. Second time

around, i used bullet points, this was much better for me.

Good luck [Y]

[steve_nairn_sti]

What about getting the male guests to come up one at a time and hand in the "house keys" due to there being no more funny business after the marriage? []......

...Or does that come under the category of "used too often"...?

Would work particularly well if you can rope the minister into the gag too.

[oobster]

Another one i used, but i think is fairly well known:

(to the bride's parents): "Bet after XX years you didnt think you'd still be putting her to bed with a dummy eh!"

Also (didnt use this one):

Scientists have just discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex-drive by 90%…… it’s called wedding cake

[duncan_stephen]

Cal,

As you know, we are both getting wed the same day so I know exactly what you mean. I tend to do the same thing every time I'm in the position of doing something for the first time. Not think about it till the time comes. I wrote my speech when I was in the States a few weeks back and I haven't looked at it since then.

Will have a look over it to remind me and put it into cards next week then away again till the bid day.

Because you are surounded by friends and family it should be easier. The way I see it if you can stand up and give a talk / speech at work infront of workmates and customers, expecting to answer difficult and technical questions then the wedding speech should be easy.

 

Personally I went for quite a funny speech, take the pi$$ out of some close friends and masel, keeping it mostly light hearted, a nice bit about the wife, a thanks to all, inc special thanks to b/maids, Mother In Law etc. Then  pass on to best man.

 

I've done the best man bit before and after the first laugh I relaxed alot more. []

 

Hope all goes well for you mate, I'm sure it will.

 

Good luck

 

Duncan

[scientific steve]

i started my one off with

"Fornication"

"for an occation such as this........................"

got the ministers attention i can tell ya [][]

[wrxmania]

Keep it humourous, avoid politics, don't get too personal and don't go on any longer than 5 minutes - no need.  See them often in my line of work - some are very good - but the best are always short, QUICK PACED (not slow) and confident []

Brian []