Wee Jock

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”

Do they come out to your hoose!

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." "I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson. "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?" Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

Think you need the car looked at, mines about the same spec and i can easily get 250 miles to a tank, infact since it was mapped again on Saturday it seems even better on fuel Use to get 220, not any more! []

No but there is a Optimax garage about 2 miles away from Castle Combe Cant see me reaching that on 1 tank of fuel from Canterbury! [:'(] You should do as it's not a flat out drive to Castle Combe, last year i made it there on less than half a tank and my car doesn't use half a tank to go from my place to Canterbury No way i'll make that its 197.5 miles from mine and my car only does about 160 to the tank!

You can buy tickets here: http://www.lastminute.com/lmn/pso/catalog/...RODID=447925564 you can also buy them at the gate, the car pass will be the hard part!

No but there is a Optimax garage about 2 miles away from Castle Combe thurrock has a tesco 99ron Heard bad things about that!

No but there is a Optimax garage about 2 miles away from Castle Combe Cant see me reaching that on 1 tank of fuel from Canterbury! [:'(]

You are so generous Ian, its not true what they all say about u! []

we meet with the esc , yes its the long way round[] Doh Ok! What about pitstops? stopping at thurrock and the mimms on the way up Are they Optimax stops?

we meet with the esc , yes its the long way round[] Doh Ok! What about pitstops?

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?"

Can I ask why we go via Thurrock? [*-)]

Why Men Lie! One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?" The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living. The Lord went down in the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "No." The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. Again, the woodcutter replied, "No." The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?"the Lord asked. "Yes", he replied. The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, the woodcutter went home happy. Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!" The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the woodcutter. The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!" The woodcutter fell to his knees and cried, "Oh, forgive me, Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, and I love my wife such that I don't want her to share me with anyone, so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez." The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honourable reason, and for the benefit of others.. MOSTLY his wife! []

Ok Phil, cheers for all the answers and sorry about all the questions! [Y]

Phil, so you run the shop, forward the orders to who? I take it the postage is at their discretion? Dont take this wrong and I dont mean to be rude if it comes accross like that, but its ok paying good money for a quality product, but the product has almost a third of the price on top for postage! I bought 2 x SWRT T-Shirts today from SWRT and it cost a total of £40 inc pp, I would have preffered to purchase the SIDC T-Shirts but to be honest, I just felt the postage was a way of making more money out me. If they had posted both T-shirts for the price of posting one then that would be fair enough! cheers Paul

At least it will last longer than my wife and it will be more fun! [] Take it the wife doesnt read the forums then [] It has been known, Granby has a list to give her at the weekend hence the touting for beer!

[]Funny how it takes a blonde to show you supposedly intelligent lifeform how to use a computer a.....[] Using this one now quite well on my own thank you [] was also tongue n cheek []

At least it will last longer than my wife and it will be more fun! []

If you pass on the data i'll get my Blonde wife to knock it up!

Think you could knock one up on xl or word then upload it like a picture?