Let's have a laugh

[HOL]

Two Girls talking the Morning after a party at Granby's house.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Eerr! The inside of my mouth feels like the bottom of a Birdcage.

To which her friend replies:

 

 

 

 

 

 

Not surprising,..............................

 

You had a [sp] Coqu-or-two in your mouth last night!

 

Such are Granby's parties []

 

Allegedly [:$]

[markie]

pmsl ^ ^

[granby]

[:^)] [] []

[mick_weatherill]

Arsenals goal keeper sent off .

NOW THAT DID MAKE ME LAUGH []

[ROAR]

[:^)]

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

What is the speed of darkness?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

Do you cry under water?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Did you ever stop and wonder......

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze

these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat

the next thing that comes outta it's bum."

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to

a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't

point to their bum when they ask where the toilet is?

Why does your Gynaecologist leave the room when you get

undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? (This one kills me!!!!)

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,

then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?[][]

 

 

[matthew_buckland]

[][][]

[Wee Jock]

For all you woman out there!

Three women and three men are travelling

by train to the Super Bowl.

At the station,

the three men each buy a ticket

and watch as the three women

buy just one ticket.

"How are the three of you going

to travel on only one ticket?"

asks one of the men.

"Watch and learn,"

answers one of the women.

They all board the train.

The three men take their respective seats

but all three women cram into a toilet together

and close the door.

Shortly after the train has departed,

the conductor comes around

collecting tickets.

He knocks on the toilet door and says,

"Ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack,

and a single arm emerges

with a ticket in hand

The conductor takes it and moves on.

The men see this happen

and agree it was quite a clever idea;

so, after the game,

they decide to do the same thing

on the return trip

and save some money.

When they get to the station

they buy a single ticket for

the return trip

but see,

to their astonishment,

that the three women

don't buy any ticket at all!!

"How are you going to travel

without a ticket?"

says one perplexed man.

"Watch and learn,"

answer the women.

When they board the train,

the three men cram themselves

into a toilet,

and the three women cram

into another toilet just down the way.

Shortly after the train is on its way,

one of the women leaves her toilet

and walks over to the toilet

in which the men are hiding.

The woman knocks

on their door and says,

"Ticket, please."

 

[SCOOBYTOO]

pmsl^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

[Wee Jock]

A Blonde Joke!

Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?

 

 

 

 

 

 

A: Humpme Dumpme.

[Wee Jock]

A Scotsman and his ever-nagging wife went on  vacation to

Jerusalem.  While they were there, his wife passed away.

The undertaker told the husband "You can have her shipped home to

Scotland  for $5000, or  you can bury her here for $150.

The man thought about  it and told him he would have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked "Why would you spend $5000 to ship your Wife

 home when she could be buried here in the Holy Land for $150?"

 

The man replied "Long ago a Man died here, was buried here, and 3 days later

He rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

[andy_tregarthen]

Q. What goes BEEP BEEP BEEP

 

 

A. The Arsenal Victory Bus reversing back into its garage

[mark_sheepwash]

South African miner loses a leg at work and says to his mate:-

"Who's gonna want a one legged gold digger"

His mate says

"How about Paul McCartney?" []

[Wee Jock]

<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

 A man was in a long line at the supermarket. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register. She asked, "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did. She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, "One box of large condoms, Checkout 5."

The next man in line thought this was interesting, and Like most men, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him. She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did.

She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, "One box of medium-sized condoms, Checkout 5."

A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female (a dead one, maybe?), so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the register  he told the checker he needed some condoms. She asked him what size and he said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Tissues", Checkout 5

[granby]

Anymore []

[Wee Jock]

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a

particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him

for a couple of quid for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten pounds and asked,

"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of

dinner?"  "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man

replied.

Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man

asked. "No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need

to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of

food?"the man asked.

Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf

in 20 years!" 

 "Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district

instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the

homeless man. "Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money.

Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my

wife." The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with

you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty

disgusting." 

 The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see

what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."

[mark_sheepwash]

England are gonna win the world cup []

[Wee Jock]

England are gonna win the world cup []

That made me laurf! []

[baser999]

England are gonna win the world cup []

That made me laurf! []

Least they've got there...............again [] Do Scotland take part in the qualifying rounds anymore or do they save their money and not enter lol

[Wee Jock]

England are gonna win the world cup []

That made me laurf! []

Least they've got there...............again [] Do Scotland take part in the qualifying rounds anymore or do they save their money and not enter lol

We enter, but we just enter for a laugh! Travel the world see nice places (without ripping them up), meet the locals (without beating them up) and have a party! []

[Wee Jock]

While riding one day, a cowboy met an Indian riding along with a Dog

 and sheep and began a conversation.

 Cowboy: "Hey, nice dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"

 Indian: "Dog no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Indian: Look of shock.

Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" pointing at the Indian.

Dog: "Yep"

Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes

me to the lake once a week to play."

Indian: Look of total disbelief.

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Indian: "Horse no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

Indian: Extreme look of shock.

Cowboy: "Is this your owner? " pointing at Indian

Horse: "Yep"

Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me

down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me."

Indian: Total look of utter amazement.

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Indian: "Sheep liar."

[scoots]

Very First Time

 

 

Mildred and Chester knew each other from childhood but were in their

seventies when they got married.

They had to wait for Mildred's mother to pass away first.

Back in those days there was no hanky panky before marriage so Chester and Mildred were both still virgins.

Needless to say Chester was pretty excited on their wedding night,having waited so patiently all these years.

However, Mildred was very apprehensive as she had developed a heart

condition and would have to tell Chester that they could not do it.

Chester is now sitting on the bed wanting Mildred to hurry up.

He detects a little reluctance on her part.

Thinking that she is shy he sends her off to the bathroom to get undressed.

When she reappears in her silk satin nightie, he gets her to sit next to him on the bed.

Not knowing how to get things started he pulls the first strap on her nightie.

She blushes just as red as her silk satin nightie.

She is really concerned about telling Chester about her heart condition.

In the meantime Chester is looking at the first br**st he has seen since his own mother's.

It is hanging there down to her belly button: gravity having taken it's course over some sixty years.

He realizes her anxiety but figures she is going have to be helped a little more.

Now he pulls the second strap and sees the second br**st unroll downward before him.

Poor Mildred is now beside herself.

She is going to have to tell Chester about her heart.

With a quivering voice and mustering up all her courage, she says,

"Chester I have acute angina."

 Chester says, "I sure hope so. Cuz you've shore got ugly t*ts."

[ROAR]

that made i larf!!!

[daniel]

PMSL[]

[Wee Jock]

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.. <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

<?XML:NAMESPACE PREFIX = U1 />

Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said,

"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"

Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear ?"

She pulled it out and stared at it.  

 

Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing.

Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."

[Wee Jock]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night

he's doing a show in a small town in Kent. With his dummy on his

knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde

woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What

makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color

of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's

guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in

the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. It is

because of you and your kind who continue to perpetuate discrimination

against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of

humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and

the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that

little shit on your knee."