It's Friday!

[st3ph3n]

Not sure about anyone else but I don't fancy working today.

So c'mon, who's got a good wee flash game or joke for us all.

[irish al]

Got emailed this today, its good and made me laugh []

CAUTION. 18 months ago I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from

DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble.

However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products

and the

only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the

sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is

incompatible with several other

applications, such as LadsNightOut

3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.

Successive versions of

GirlFriend proved no better. I tried a shareware

program, Slapper

2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system,

forcing me

to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually, I tried

to

run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to

discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused

severe damage to my hardware. I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0,

only

to discover that this product soon had to be

upgraded further to Wife

1.0.While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my

available resources, it does

come bundled with FreeSexPlus and

Cleanhouse2004. Shortly after this

upgrade, however, I found that

Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly

to run.Any mistakes I

made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory

and could not be

deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had

forgotten

about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and

E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and

Whinge.

These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try

to guess what

the problem is. Additional problems are that Wife 1.0

needs updating

regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new

attachments and Hairstyle

Express which needs to be reinstalled

every other week. Also, when Wife

1.0 attaches itself to my Saab

93

Convertible hard drive, it often crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with

an

irritating pop-up called MotherI-n-Law, which can't be turned

off.

Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2005, but there

could be

problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that

if Wife 1.0

detects Mistress 2005, it tends to delete all of your

money before

uninstalling itself.

[ally-b]

Have you tried the 'davinci code' game on google ?

It will keep you busy for a while , if you like puzzles .

Al.

[st3ph3n]

Puzzle games? With my ADHD like attention span? Well it is Friday and I might as well.

[sti pretender]

A Scotsman, an Englishman, a hot blonde and a fat chick get on the

subway.

They go into a tunnel and the lights go out, and suddenly they all

hear a loud slap.

When the lights come on, the Englishman has a big red handprint on

his face.

The blonde thinks: " Oh, the Englishman must have made a move for

me, but fondled that fat woman by mistake and she slapped him"

The fat woman thinks: " Hmm, that Englishman tried to put the moves

on that blonde and got slapped. Good for her."

The Englishman thinks: " Hey, that Scotsman must have went for the

blonde, and she slapped me by mistake! "

The Scotsman thinks: " Boy, I hope we go through another tunnel, so

I can wallop that English fecker again " .

It's GREAT to be Scottish.

<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

 

[vicki]

LOL, good jokes so far []

[sti pretender]

A gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an attractive woman.

The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender.

She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and decided to send a reply note to the man. The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read:

"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman.  It read:

"For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off.  Just send the bottle back."

 

<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

 

[ally-b]

A man goes to the doctors and says "I've got a rash on my face."

The doctor replies, "Put some butter on it and come back tomorrow."

The next day he returns and says, "the rash is still here."

The doctor replies, "I can't believe it's not better!"

[:$]Al

[ally-b]

A man boarded an aircraft at Heathrow and took his seat. As he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He realised she was heading straight towards his seat and bingo! She took the seat right beside him. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />Holiday?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States".

He swallowed hard... here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Scots.

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and quiet.....

"I'm sorry," she said, "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said... "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Jock."

 

[st3ph3n]

Are you Tommy Cooper in disguise?!?!?!

[oobster]

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience, Stevie asks if anyone has a request.

A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his lungs, "Play a Jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about ten minutes.

When he finishes, the whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up again and shouts, "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord!" A bit peeved by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B-flat minor chord and really tears the place apart.

The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise. But the little old man jumps up again. "No, no, no! "Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord!"

Now truly peeved that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability, Stevie invites him up on the stage and says, "Okay, you start us off."

The little old man grabs the mike and starts to sing... "A jazz chord, to say I ruv you ..."

[PECO]

Two IT guys were chatting in a bar after work. "Guess what, mate,"

> says the first IT guy, "yesterday, I met this gorgeous blonde girl in

> a bar." "What did you do?" says the other IT guy. "Well, I invited her

> over to my place, we had a couple of drinks, we got into the mood and

> then she suddenly asked me to take all her clothes off." "You're

> kidding me!" says the second IT guy. "I took her miniskirt off, and

> then I lifted her and put her on my desk next to my new laptop."

> "Really? You got a new laptop?"

>

> ======

>

> A Greek parks his brand new BMW in front of the office to show it off

> to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car a truck comes

> speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before

> speeding off.

>

> More than a little distraught, the Greek grabs his mobile and calls

> the police. Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the

> policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the Greek starts

> screaming hysterically "My BMW, my beautiful black BMW is ruined! No

> matter how long at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same

> again!"

>

> After the Greek finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his

> head in disgust: "I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Greeks

> are," he says. "You lot are so focused on your possessions that you

> don't notice anything else in your life." "How can you say such a

> thing at a time like this?" snaps the Greek.

>

> The policeman replies, "Didn't you realise that your right arm was

> torn off when the truck hit you?" The Greek looks down in absolute

> horror: "F**king HELL!!!!!! He screams... "Where's my f**king

> Rolex????"

>

> ====

> A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He

> says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100

> dollars?"

>

> "Are you nuts?!!" she replies and keeps walking away. He turns around,

> runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

>

> "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks

> again. "Listen, you! I'm not that kind of woman! Got it???!!!"

>

> So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you

> let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?"

>

> She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmm. $10,000 dollars, eh?

> Okay, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over

> there."

>

> So they go into the alley where she takes off her blouse to reveal the

> most beautiful, perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them

> he grabs them, starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing

> them, licking them, burying his face in them... but not biting them.

>

> The woman finally gets very annoyed and asks, "Hey!!! Are you gonna

> bite them or not!!?" "Nah", he replies. "Costs too much!"

[bigdavie]

Next time you have a bad day at work, think of this guy........ Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Mayo (IRELAND). He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an email he sent to his sister. She then sent it to RnaG (Irish radio station) in Galway, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.

Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This £20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my **** was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my ****. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totalling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my **** as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my hole was swollen shut. So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your backside. Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job"

[st3ph3n]

That's as old as the hills oobster.

[oobster]

That's as old as the hills oobster.

<sigh>

I'd only heard it for the 1st time yesterday.

I tried, i tried. You can't shoot a man for trying.

[wrxmania]

Love it Al []  Time to stay unmarried???? []