JOKES THREAD

[jcscoob]

Think i have spoted AC!D in the pik []

 

Durring the party .............

Then once all the party goers were gone .......

 

[Gumball]

Your a bad bad man Connelly

[STi_Bandit]

Q. What do you call it when someone farts in a gay

bar?

A. A love call.

[craig mac]

Teacher arrested in terror alert

NEW YORK - A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement.

He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.    "Al-gebra is a problem for us,"

Gonzales said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute values. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as ' unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are three sides to every triangle'."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the president.

Craig

[Gumball]

what have richard hammond and kate moss got in common?

 

 

they both got smashed on top gear

[craig mac]

What has Elton John and Richard Hammond got in common?

 

 

 

 

 

 

They both have skid marks on there helmets []

 

Craig

[jcscoob]

 

 

 

 

[st3ph3n]

JC. Pictures don't work as they're saved to your mailbox on your webmail by the looks of it. You'll need to save them to photobucket first then link them.

[craig mac]

While President Bush was visiting a primary school he visited one of the classes.

They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked the President if he would  like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy", so the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy".

 One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy".

 

"No," said Bush, "that would be an accident."

 

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

 "I'm afraid not," explained the President. "That's what we  would call a great loss."

 

The room went silent. No other children volunteered.

Bush searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

 

 

Finally at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand.

 

In a quiet voice he said: "If Air Force One carrying you and Mrs Bush was struck by a friendly fire missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

 "Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush. "That's right. And can you tell  me why that would be a tragedy?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 "Well," said the boy, "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a  f*cking accident either!"

 

Craig

 

[Gumball]

hahahahahahahahahaha LOL

 

[craig mac]

Joe wanted to  buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until,  one day; he comes  across a Harley with a 'For Sale' sign on  it.

 

The bike seems  even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.

 It is shiny  and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it,

and asks the  seller how he kept it  in such great condition for 10

years.

"Well, it's  quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the

bike is outside and  it's going to rain, rub Vaseline  on the chrome. It

protects it from the rain." And he  hands Joe a jar of  Vaseline.

 

 

That night,  his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet  her parents.  Naturally, they take the bike  there.

But just  before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 

 

 "I have to tell you  something about my family before we go  in."

"When we eat  dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything  during dinner has to do the  dishes."

"No problem,"  he says. And in they  go.

 

Joe is  shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty  dishes.

 

In the kitchen  is another huge stack of dishes.  Piled up on  the stairs,  in the  corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

 

They sit down  to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a  word.  As dinner  progresses,  Joe decides to take advantage of the  situation.

 

So he leans  over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he  reaches over and  fondles her  br**ts.

 

 Still, nobody  says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws  her on the table, and screws her right there, in front  of her  parents.

 

 His girlfriend  is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid,  and her mom  horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a  word.

 

 He looks at  her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he  grabs the mom, bends  her over the dinner table, and has his way with  her every which way  right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend  is

furious and her dad is  boiling, but still, total  silence.

 

 

 All of a  sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

 

Joe remembers  his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from  his pocket.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Suddenly the  father backs away from the table and shouts,

 

"All  right, that's enough,  I'll do the flocking  dishes!"

 

 

 

Craig

[z1000]

FPMSL

[craig mac]

The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a 

speech, and walked out into the lobby where he met President Bush.

They shook hands, and as they walked the Iranian said,

 "You  know, I have  Just one question about what I have seen in America .

 

President Bush said

"Well, anything I can do to help you, I  will."  

The Iranian whispered "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' 

and in it  There Is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, and 

Sulu who is  Chinese, 

"My son is very upset and  doesn't understand, why there Aren't  Any Iranians on StarTrek."  

 

 President Bush laughed, leaned toward the Iranian  ambassador  Whispered Back,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"It's because it takes place in the future."  

[redscoobydoo]

aawh brillliant craig... wettin masel.. superb..lol

[scientific steve]

some good family planning advice here

http://www.boreme.com//boreme/funny-2006/f...g-advice-p1.php

 

[Gumball]

polis are behind a blonde thats swerving all over the road.

He stops her and the conversation goes as follows-

COP- madam, can you explain why you were swerving around?

BLONDE- well i saw a tree in the middle of the road and didnt want to hit it

COP- madam thats your air freshener !!!!!!!!!!

--------------------------------------------------

what should have happened-

COP- can i see your license please?

BLONDE- I left it in gumballs house

COP- ahhh, your the 99th bird the day thats left it there, nae bother

hahahaha

[scoobymark]

Here's a wee friday joke.

A polish immigrant went to the DVLA to apply for a driver's licence.

Firstly he had to take the mandatory eye test.

The optician told him to stand 6ft away from the board and then showed him a card with the letters.

CZWIXNOSTACZ

" Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the polish guy repiled, " I know the guy."