Let's have a laugh

[granby]

OK it's been a bit serious on here the last few days so let's have a bit of a laugh and post up some of your best jokes []

I'll start with a couple of stupid one liners

 

Two parrots are sat on a perch. One says to the other "Can you smell fish?"

I bought my gold fish a new tank the other week, blew a hole straight through the wall..

 

[baser999]

Two nuns sitting in the bath. One says to the other 'wheres the soap?' to which she replies 'so it does'.

 

[Wee Jock]

Why Men Lie!

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above river, his axe fell into the river.

When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down in the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your

axe?" the Lord asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your

axe?"the Lord asked.

"Yes", he replied.

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the

riverbank, and his wife fell into the river.

When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter fell to his knees and cried, "Oh, forgive me, Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, and I love my wife such that I don't want her to share me with anyone, so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and

honourable reason, and for the benefit of others.. MOSTLY his wife!

[]

[granby]

I like that Wee Jock [Y] i may knock a beer off for that one []

[SCOOBYTOO]

OK it's been a bit serious on here the last few days so let's have a bit of a laugh and post up some of your best jokes ]" src="/emoticons/emotion-2.gif">

 

i've been laughing all week[]

[andy_tregarthen]

Heaven

Two women in heaven were discussing how they had died.

"I froze to death, it wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?"

"I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den, watching TV."

"So what happened?"

"I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched and down to the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under every bed. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally became so exhausted that I just keeled over and died with a massive heart attack."

"Too bad you didn't look in the freezer - we'd both still be alive!!"

[andy_tregarthen]

The Farmer:

A young journalism graduate from Arkansas had gone to work for the New York Times. His first assignment was to write a brief human interest story.

An idea came to him, and he returned to one of the most remote areas he knew of in his home state of Arkansas.

Deep in the woods, he came upon a farmers house and decided this would be a good place to start. He introduced himself to the back country farmer

and explained why he was there. The farmer (named Farmer Mahon) agreed to answer his questions.

The reporter asked the farmer what event in his life had made him the happiest?

Farmer Mahon replied, 'One time a neighbour lost one of his sheep. We all formed a posse and found it. After we all screwed it we took it back to

the farmer that lost it."

'I can't print that," said the reporter, "is there another event that made you really happy?"

Farmer Mahon thought for a minute and said, 'Yep. One time the daughter of another local farmer got lost. She was a good-looking' young girl. We all

formed a posse and found her. After all of us screwed her, we took her back to her daddy."

Again the reporter knew he couldn't print the story and decided to take a different tack. He asked Farmer Mahon, 'Is there any event in your life

that has made you really sad?"

Farmer Mahon hung his head and replied, 'Well, I got lost once."

[baser999]

Bloke had been out of work for ages and finally got himself a job at the local bowling alley and rushed home to tell his wife. 'Ten pin?'  she asked. No permanent. 

[DaveGTI]

 

ONE GOOD REASON WHY NOT TO

FLIRT!!!!! 

 

A couple were invited to a s****y

family masked fancy dress

Halloween

 party. 

 The

wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the

party  alone.

He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said

she was going

to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for

his good time

to be spoiled by not going. 

 So

he took his costume and away he went.

 

 The

wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke Without pain and as it was

still early, decided go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her

costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to

see

 how he acted when she was not with him.

So

she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his

 costume, cavorting

around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice

 "chick" he could and

copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. 

 His

wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he

left his

new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. 

She let him go as far

as he wished, naturally, since he was her

husband.

 After

more drinks he finally he whispered a little proposition in her

ear and she

agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate

 intercourse

in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight,

she

 slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into

bed,

wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous

behaviour.

She

was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of

time he

had. 

"Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time

when

 you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He

replied,

"I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I

met Pete,

 Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room

and played

poker all evening" 

You must have looked really silly wearing

that costume playing poker

all night!" she said with unashamed

sarcasm.

 To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to

your

Dad, apparently he had the time of his life."

[baser999]

Dyslexic bloke went to a toga party......dressed as a goat.  []

[SCOOBYTOO]

  Quote

 

ONE GOOD REASON WHY NOT TO FLIRT!!!!! 

 

A couple were invited to a s****y family masked fancy dress Halloween

 party. 

 The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the

party  alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said

she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for

his good time to be spoiled by not going. 

 So he took his costume and away he went.

 

 The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke Without pain and as it was still early, decided go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see

 how he acted when she was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his

 costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice

 "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. 

 His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he

left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. 

She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her

husband.

 After more drinks he finally he whispered a little proposition in her

ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate

 intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she

 slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed,

wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of

time he had. 

"Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when

 you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied,

"I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete,

 Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played

poker all evening" 

You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker

all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.

 To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your

Dad, apparently he had the time of his life."

 

sounds familiar dave[:S]

[Wee Jock]

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?"

[Wee Jock]

  Quote

I like that Wee Jock [Y] i may knock a beer off for that one []

You are so generous Ian, its not true what they all say about u! []

[granby]

  Quote

  Quote

I like that Wee Jock [Y] i may knock a beer off for that one []

You are so generous Ian, its not true what they all say about u! []

[] []

[Wee Jock]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip.  After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.  Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.  Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment.  "Watson, you idiot!" he says.  "Someone has stolen our tent!"

[SCOOBYTOO]

thats a cracker!

[Wee Jock]

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”

[Wee Jock]

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

[ROAR]

Ralph returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told

him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, Ralph asks his

wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.

About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you

know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more

time?" Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he

now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks,

"honey? please...just one more time before I die?" she says, "Of course,

dear." And they make love for the third time. After this session , the

wife rolls over & falls asleep.

Ralph, however, worried about his impending death, tosses & turns until

he's down to 4 more hours.? He taps his wife, who rouses.

"Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could...?"

At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Ralph, I have to get up

in the morning. You don't."

[baser999]

Two blondes walk into a bar.........you'd think one of them would have seen it.   Who said the old ones were the best?

[Wee Jock]

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?”

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....”

[wedmonds1]

Two Goldfish in a tank on top of a T.V.

One says to the other "do you know how to drive this thing?"

[granby]

Nicked this from cookstar on Scoobynet []

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first

class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman

sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still

curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking ever more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical

condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. " I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

The woman nodded, "Pepper."

[]

[Wee Jock]

A young journalism graduate from Arkansas had gone to work for the NewYorkTimes. His first assignment was to write a brief human interest story.Anidea came to him, and he returned to one of the most remote areas he knew

of in his home state of Arkansas.

Deep in the woods, he came upon a farmers house and decided this would be a good place to start. He introduced himself to the back country farmer and explained why he was there. The farmer (named Farmer Middleton ) agreed to

answer his questions.

The reporter asked the farmer what event in his life had made him the happiest?

Farmer Middleton replied, 'One time a neighbour lost one of his sheep. We all formed a posse and found it. After we all screwed it we took it back to the farmer that lost it."

'I can't print that," said the reporter, "is there another event that made you really happy?"

Farmer Middleton thought for a minute and said, 'Yep. One time the daughter of another local farmer got lost. She was a good-looking' young girl. We all formed a posse and found her. After all of us screwed her, we took her back

to her daddy."

Again the reporter knew he couldn't print the story and decided to take a different tack. He asked Farmer Middleton , 'Is there any event in your life that has made you really sad?"

Farmer Middleton hung his head and replied, 'Well, I got lost once."

[Wee Jock]

The wife was very unhappy with her car and complained a lot to her

husband:

'Buy me a surprise for my birthday!', she said. 'Something that

accelerates from 0 to 100 in 4 seconds! And I would prefer a blue

one!'

Happy and excited she was counting down the days for her birthday.

And finally she got the beautiful present her husband thoughtfully

bought....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Apparently he's dead now....