jokes thread

[terminator]

2 dwarfs pull 2 girls on a night out and take them home.1st dwarf can't get it upand to make things worse,all night he

can hear the 2nd dwarf sayin "here i come 1 2 3 uuh..".Next morning 1st dwarf says to 2nd dwarf "hhow embarrasing i couldnt even get a stiff. 2nd dwarf says" u think thats bad i couldn't even get on the f*****g bed !.

 

 

 

Escaped convict breaks into a bedroom,ties up the husband and wife on the bed.Then he jumps on top of the the wife,kisses her ear and goes to the bathroom. Husband tells the wife "satisfy him or he will kill us" i saw the way he kissed you,be strong, i love you.

The wife replies: He didn't kiss me,he whispered in my ear that he was gay and looking for some vaseline.I told himit's in the bathroom. You be strong, i love you too....!!!  

[jcscoob]

 

A blind man went for a job in a timber yard, saying he could identify wood with his nose. They tested him on different types and he was right each time. To catch him out the secretary lay naked. He sniffed and asked for the wood to be turned over, he sniffed again. Can't fool me he said it's an old sh*thouse door off a trawler !

[dougster]

Remember and keep them sensible people.

[jcscoob]

N,P []

[terminator]

A woman on her death bedin a coma.The nurses are giving her a bed bath and notice when they touch her private area,her heart rate improves so they suggest to her husband that a little or*l sex might do her some good.He's a little surprised but goes behind the curtainand a few minutes later,all the monitors go blankand the woman dies. The nurses rush in and asked what happened,i'm not sure he replied ...I think she choked.?  

[terminator]

Chanel has recently developed a new product for women to put behind there ears that will make them irresistable to men. Its called ankles.

[oz *sti*]

Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all that dog food Fido wouldn't eat?

Shut up and eat your meat loaf

[oz *sti*]

WOMEN?S LANGUAGE TRANSLATED

Yes = No

No = Yes

Maybe = No

I?m sorry. = You?ll be sorry.

We need... = I want

It?s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now. Do what you want... = You?ll pay for this later. We need to talk... = I need to complain Sure...go ahead = I don?t want you to.

I?m not upset = Of course I?m upset, you moron! You?re so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot. You?re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about? Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs. This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house. I want new curtains = ...and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper..... Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there! I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep. Do you love me? = I?m going to ask for something expensive. How much do you love me? = I did something today you?re really not going to like.

I?ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.

Am I fat? = Tell me I?m beautiful.

You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.

Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you?re dead.

Was that the baby? = Why don?t you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.

I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

In response to What?s wrong?:

The same old thing = Nothing

Nothing = Everything

Nothing, really = It?s just that you?re such an idiot!

[ally-b]

One day we'll be like this . . . [*-)]

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatchersaid, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back seat by mistake."

 

 

FAMILY

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94- year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

 

"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."

 

 

SUPERSEX

 

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

 

ROMANCE

 

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me "Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked. "To get my teeth!"

 

 OLD FRIENDS

 

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends for a long time...but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

 

 

DRIVING

 

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Ohmygosh! Am I driving?"

[wrxmania]

[]

[RS Grant]

Whenever someone asks me if I know any jokes, I dunno why, but this one comes into my head.. I got told it aaaaaaages ago by a totally random guy but its stuck in my mind and its not even that good. I'm gonna tell it anyway!! [8-)] []

What do the arabs call camels??

Saudi TTs...... *cue* - tumbleweed

Cheers,

Grant