A few truths about life (jokes)

[Bladerider]

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.

3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. Parents always catch the second person.

4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.

8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

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GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jelly to a tree.

2) Wrinkles don't hurt.

3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.

6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not for the toy inside.

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GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone

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THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.

2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.

3) You are Santa Claus.

4) You look like Santa Claus.

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WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND

At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

At age 12 success is . . . having friends.

At age 17 success is . . . having a drivers license.

At age 20 success is . . having a girlfriend that thinks you a really good looking

At age 35 success is .....having money.

At age 50 success is . . . still having money.

At age 60 success is . . having a girlfriend that thinks you are really good looking

At age 70 success is..... having a drivers license.

At age 75 success is . . having friends.

At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

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THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!

1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching your children to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

6. We put childproof locks on all our doors and windows, but somehow they are still getting in.

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You know when you are getting old when you have dry dreams and wet farts.

[Bladerider]

Actually, I really meant to post in 'General', but I forgot I was in 'Scottish'.

I think I might be getting old.

[Gee Wr1]