Clarksonisms...

[monkip1]

"I'm sorry, but having a DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch. If you've got even half a scrotum it's not going to happen."

"We start tonight with the highlight of my childhood. It's the Ladybird Book of Motorcars from 1963, and as you would imagine it's full of rubbish really. Just endless boring grey shapes, until you get to page 40, where you find the Maserati 3500 GT. Now this for me, when I was little, was like kind of Jordan and Cameron Diaz. In a bath together. With a Lightning jet fighter. And lots of jelly."

"[about Porsche Cayman S] There are many things I'd rather be doing than driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning to come off stage in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean"

..."the last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a politician stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in the air saying there will be no war with Germany"

On the Alfa Romeo Brera... "I only have to imagine this in black, with tan leather and I'm nursing a semi!"

Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster - 'It couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pig's bottom'

On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR:

"there is a word to describe this car: it begins with "s" and ends with "t" and its not "soot".

Hammond:"So its fairly terrible then?"

Clarkson:"Oh no...losing your leg is fairly terrible: this is another league of badness!"

"some say, that he used to throw microwave ovens at homeless people - and that he long before anyone else realised that jade goody is a racist pig faced waste of blood and organs............all we know, is that he's called the Stig!"

"the Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite"

"Speed has never killed anyone; suddenly becoming stationary... that's what gets you."

'The air conditioning in Lambos used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw'

"Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable than what... BEING STABBED?"

"The only person to ever look good in the back of a 4-seater convertable was Adolf Hitler"

(Fed up during the caravaning trip)

"You aren't allowed to have a party, you aren't allowed to have music, you aren't allowed to play ball games, you aren't allowed to have a camp fire, you have to park within two feet of a post, you have to keep quiet, you have to be in bed by eleven. This is not a holiday, it's a concentration camp!"

"This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying "Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases.""

(mercedes CLs55) "Braking in this car is so brutal, it would be less painful to actually hit the tree you were trying to miss."

"I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?"

Clarksons highway code on cyclists: 'trespassers in the motorcars domain, they do not pay road tax and therefore have no right to be on the road, some of them even believe they are going fast enough to not be an obstruction. Run them down to prove them wrong'

"I was reading The Mirror the other day and came across a letter from a reader who wrote, 'I was riding my bike to work when this red Ferrari pulled up next to me. Out of the window, Jeremy Clarkson shouted 'Get a car', and drove off.' What I actually said was, 'Get a car you hatchet faced, leaf-eating N**i"

"Britian's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe...probably because they don't have wheel-chair access"

1) "If we are being honest HIV is a pathetic virus, it can only live in the air for 6seconds and it does what ebola does to you in 10days in 10years"

2) "Mandela just doesn't deserve his pedestal, I'm mean the blokes a bit dodgy"

3) On Mandela's claim that Cuba is a good advert for democracy!!! "Well Mr Mandela why don't you go and ask one of the 12 year old cuban prostitutes which way her parents voted"

"Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough affordable cars on the show......so we'll kick off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all!"

On the Lotus Elise: "This car is more fun than the entire french air force crashing into a firework factory"

"Now as you can see I lost the battle to have two engines on the back because of three very important reasons. One: weight. This is 600 Lbs and that's the same as having a whole American sitting on the tailgate..."

"I would still buy the DB9 over this, and save myself the £60,000. The problem with this car is its gearbox, its just........"

Hammond:"THAT bad is it?"

Clarkson:"Oh no. Robert Mugabe is bad, this is in a whole different league!"

In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR built a car, put it on sale, and then found out how it handled. Usually when one of their customers wrote to the factory complaining about how dead he was.

"the DB9 has rear seats but no mammal yet created, not even when God was on the LSD trip that gave us the pink flamingo, could fit into them."

Assessing Hammond's crash:

Clarkson:"you can see from the tape that the tyre is starting to come apart. now why didnt you spot that?!"

Hammond:"I had a lot on: i was doing 288 mph."

Clarkson: "What do you mean you had a lot on? I can be in the office on the phone, doining the paperwork, kids are shouting at me, wife etc, if a lion walks in, I'm going to notice it!"

"Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well-behaved... for a murderer."

"I dont often agree with the RSPCA as i believe it is an animals duty to be on my plate at supper time"

"there are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of stitching... on their face"

"Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It's like making a hard core adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You'd just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke's sweaty face. "

"Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it, if you like, as a librarian with a G-string under the tweed. I do, and it helps."

"you cant have this car with a diesel, its like saying, i wont go to stringfellows tonight, ill get my mum to give me a lapdance, shes a woman!"

"During the break we got complaints that we don't show enough green cars so here's one..."

Pointing to a Lamborghini Murcielago... in bright green

Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sports car... in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of a President.

Jeremy said this of the Porsche Cayenne! "Honestly, I have seen more attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It has the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis."

Motoring in Gereral:

* We all know that small cars are good for us. But so is cod liver oil. And jogging.

* (Referring to the Porsche Cayenne) 0-60 takes 5 and a half seconds...and about 17 gallons of fuel....

* (At start of Top Gear Nov. 2005 season, after a teaser featuring dozens of supercars) welcome to Greenpeace!

* A turbo, exhaust gasses go into the turbocharger and spin it, with a supercharger, air goes in,witchcraft happens and you go faster.

* This is the latest S Class. Now availiable with a very economical: Twin-turbo, Six litre... I dont mean economical do I? Thats the wrong word...

* I do apologize, we have wasted your evening, there are no good Korean or Malaysian cars.

* You know? Thats the nineteenth caravan we've destroyed on this progamme in 12 months.

* If I had to nitpick, and obviously I do.

* At this point the Germans are propably rolling around on the floor laughing, So: "Ze tommies have made ein car out of spit und kleenex, zhey will be crushed." (Testing the MG SV prototype)

* Owning a TVR in the past was like owning a bear, I mean it was great, until it pulled your head off, which it would. One day, it would pull your head off.

* In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR built a car, put it on sale, and then found out how it handled. Usually when one of their customers wrote to the factory complaining about how dead he was.

* Supercars are supposed to run over Arthur Scargill and then run over him again for good measure. They are designed to melt ice caps, kill the poor, poison the water table, destroy the ozone layer, decimate indigenous wildlife, recapture the Falkland Islands and turn the entire third world into a huge uninhabitable desert, all that before they nicked all the oil in the world

* That means, a Range Rover, doing 10,000 miles a year, produces less pollution a day then a cow farting(While discussing about "Methane as a global warming agent")

* This is a Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that's much to shout about. That's like saying, "Ooh good, I've got Syphilis, the best of the sexually transmitted diseases.

* The only reason anyone bought the old Land Rover Discovery was because they couldn't afford a Range Rover.

* As a result, it weighs 2.7 tonnnes - and that makes it heavier than a Rolls-Royce Phantom. It's so heavy, that if you were to load it up with stuff, and then hitch up a trailor to the back; technically, you need an LGV licence.

* It's really as useful, as a snooze button on a smoke alarm. (Regarding the adjustable suspension in the Bentley Continental GT)

Praise for cars

* I'd like to consider Ferrari as a scaled down version of God.

* The Ferrari 355 is like a quail's egg dipped in celery salt and served in Julia Roberts' belly button.

* (On the Alfa Romeo Brera) Think of it as Angelina Jolie. You've heard she's mad and eats nothing but wallpaper paste. But you would, wouldn't you?

* (On the Brera again, talking about a version with a slow 0-60mph time and a big price tag) It's like Cameron Diaz. You know she's a vegetarian, you know she's a commited eco-mentalist... would you say no?

* The Caterham may only have 250 bhp, but you have to remember that it weighs about the same.....as a j-cloth.

* If this car was a breakfast. It would be cornflakes on toast.

* (On the Mercedes CLS55 AMG)It sounds like Barry White eating wasps.

* Aston Martin DB9... that's not really a racing car, that's just pornography.

* (Ariel Atom) This is driving Nirvana! You can forget anything you've ever driven, anything. There is no car, nothing on four wheels, that is as fast as this.

* The most Hard core BMW ever made. (M3 CSL)

* (about the Ferrari F40) And what I love is that when you're on the over-run, and you take your foot of the throttle, listen!... there are these huge bounces... just dumps great wads of unburnt fuel into the exhaust... FOR FUN!

* (test driving a Turbo Bentley through a cloud of rubber smoke) It's like Blenheim Palace on wheels!

Damnation for cars

* Telling people at a dinner party you drive a Nissan Almera is like telling them you've got the ebola virus and you're about to sneeze.

* The old DB7, that was just...a Jag in Drag...it was an XJS in a party frock. This (the Aston-Martin DB9) is completely different...

* No, no, no. There's no such thing as cheap and cheerful. It's cheap and nasty & expensive and cheerful. (referring to Proton Savvy)

* I'd rather go to work on my hands and knees than drive there in a Ford Galaxy; Whoever designed the Ford Galaxy upholstery had a cauliflower fixation; I would rather have a vasectomy than buy a Ford Galaxy.

* You do not just avoid the Suzuki Wagon R. You avoid it like you would avoid unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite.

* (about the Ford GT40) Was this the greatest hypercar of them all? Well, that's a question I've never really been able to answer, because the GT40 is 40 inches tall... and I'm not.

* Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It's like making a hard core adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You'd just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke's sweaty face.

* (On cars at a Max Power show) Most of these cars will do 0-60 once....and then they'll blow up.

* What did the Morris Marina compete against?... walking?... the bus?

* Deciding which one is worse (the Austin Allegro or Morris Marina), is like deciding which leg you'd rather have amputated.

* (about the Ford Escort) It's powered by engines so rough, even Moulinex wouldn't use them.

* Whenever I'm suffering from Insomnia, I just look at a picture of a Toyota Camry and I'm straight off.

* Usually, a Range Rover would be beaten away from the lights by a diesel powered wheelbarrow.

* (about the Renault Clio V6) I think the problem is that it's French... It's a surrender monkey.

* It costs Volkswagen 200 pounds to buy a set of four fuel injectors for the Golf diesel. Kia could propably make a couple of cars for that.

* This is for every time I've caught you dawdling at junctions, this is for every time I've caught you doing 4 miles per hour in a motorway. This is PAYBACK TIME!! (Clarkson shouting at a Volvo 340 seconds before it is put through a crusher)

* This is a Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying 'Oh good, I've got syphilis, the best of the sexually transmitted diseases!'

* This pram's turning circle is tighter than Thrifty McThrift's Book of Belt-Tightening for Boys!

* (about the Chevrolet Corvette Z06) In many ways then this car is like herpes. Great fun catching it but not so much fun live with every day.

* (on the McLaren F1 in his movie, Most Outragous) I respect it enourmously, in the same way I respected my old head master. But we never became friends.

On Britain

* We were brought up on a diet of drizzle and fish fingers and we built the biggest empire the world has ever seen.

* We're not really a nation of zinc kitchen surfaces and brushed aluminium; we're more a nation of Wetherspoons, and Heat Magazine and... chlamydia.

* Possibly, just possibly, the Spitfire is the greatest machine ever made.

[kevlorn]

clarkson is a legend in taking the p**s...........................got several of his books, very good

[scooby princess]

ROTFPMSL - Classic

[edmondo]

very good Ben