Wee Jock Posted April 21, 2007 Posted April 21, 2007 A young Glasgow lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. "Do you have any sales experience?" asked the manager. "The famous Barras mate?", nodded the young weegie. (Weegie is a person originating from Glasgow) The manager liked the lad, so he gave him the job. The young Scot's first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down to see how he was settling in. "So... how many sales did you make today?", he smiled at the boy. The weegie said: "Jist the wan." The manager was immediately disappointed. "What? Just one? Harrods' sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day! Dear me! Oh well, how much was the sale for anyway?" "£101,237.64" said the lad. The Harrods manager choked. "Blimey... One hundred and one thousand, two hundred and thirty-seven pounds and sixty four pence! What in hell did you sell him?" "Well, first ah selt him a wee fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then ah selt him a new fishing rod. Then ah asked him where he was gaun' fishing, and he said doon the coast, so ah telt him he would need a boat. We went doon tae the boat department and ah selt him that twin-engined powerCat... then he said he didn't think his wee Honda Civic could pull it, so ah took him down to car sales and ah selt him a toty 4x4 Suzuki......." The manager was now incredulous. "Wait a minute. You mean to tell me a man came in here to buy a small fish hook but you sold him a boat AND a four-by-four ... " "Naw naw, big man... he came in tae buy a box of tampons fur 'is missus and ah said......... "Well pal, seein' as how yer weekend's f**ked, ye might as well go fishing...
topher51 Posted April 21, 2007 Posted April 21, 2007 Men vs. Women: NICKNAMES If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose. If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy. EATING OUT When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators. MONEY A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want. BATHROOMS A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. ARGUMENTS A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. CATS Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats. FUTURE A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. SUCCESS A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. MARRIAGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does. DRESSING UP A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals. NATURAL Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. OFFSPRING Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing. --
topher51 Posted April 21, 2007 Posted April 21, 2007 Women Drivers Award 10th Place Goes to: 9th Place Goes To: 8th Place Goes To: 7th Place Goes To: 6th Place Goes To: 5th Place Goes To: 4th Place Goes To: The Bronze Medal Winner: The Silver Medal Winner: Her helmet is being worn backwards ..... and finally, here is our 2006 Women Drivers Awards *** Gold Medal Winner *** WOW ! ! How the heck...?!? Oh never mind... CONGRATULATIONS ! ! This concludes the 2006 Women Drivers Awards Ceremony. Thank you to all contestants for giving us all a reason to laugh & smile
baser999 Posted April 21, 2007 Posted April 21, 2007 the womens driving awards are probably very funny - shame I can't view the pictures
yogi- Posted April 21, 2007 Posted April 21, 2007 Scooby Newbie is in for a rough ride from some of the Lady members now. I'm keeping well out of this LOL []
Baz69birds Posted April 21, 2007 Posted April 21, 2007 1.= SIAL but still "old ones are the best". 2= Very Good. 3 = cant see Pictures []
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