O/T Classic quotes from the great man himself - Homer J. Simpson

[kloon]

Homer Humor on Beer,
Food and TV

The
strong must protect the Sweet.

Oh
no! What have I done? I smashed open my little boy's piggy bank, and for what?
A few measly cents, not even enough to buy one beer. Wait a minute, lemme count
and make sure... not even close.

Television!
Teacher, mother, secret lover.

Homer
no function beer well without.

When
will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle,
they're on TV!

Son,
when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's
how drunk you get.

Homer on Family

I'm
going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for
ten minutes!

[Meeting
Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

What
do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Marge,
you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Kids,
you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

The
only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call
him Gamblor, and it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!

When
I look at the smiles on all the children's faces, I just know they're about to
jab me with something.

Homer on Religion

I'm
normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman.

I'm
having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going to Church!

Lisa,
if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should
stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and
such.

I'm
not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my
Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?

Homer on Life and his
'Wisdom'

Getting
out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

It's
not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed
to fit in eight hours of TV a day.

Lisa,
Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.

I want
to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through
life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was
like that when I got here.

Oh,
people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. 14% of people know
that.

Remember
that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that Alligator biting that woman's
bottom? That's right, we all thought it was hilarious. But, it turns out we were
wrong. That alligator was sexually harrassing that woman.

Old
people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can
be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal
use.

How
is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something
new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home
winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?

I've
always wondered if there was a god. And now I know there is -- and it's me.

Homer on Work

Kill
my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?

If
something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can't speak English.

I'm
never going to be disabled. I'm sick of being so healthy.

Classic D'Oh! Homerisms

Operator!
Give me the number for 911!

Oh,
so they have internet on computers now!

I like
my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming.

[Looking
at a globe map...country being Uruguay]

Hee hee! Look at this country!'You are gay.'

Bart,
with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

[] []



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[ally-b]

Don't forget ...

'Donuts ... what can't they do ?'

[]Al.

[wilky]

"If its hard to do, then its not worth doing"

[bigdavie]

that great man has influenced almost every aspect of my life today !!

how sad is that ??!! lol

but can anyone tell me what the j stands for ??

btw 800 posts woo hoo !!

[stu_bousie]

"J" stands for Jay....AFAIK

[craig mac]

Disco Stu_B []

You are right J is Jay []

Craig