Let's have a laugh

[granby]

Let's bring this bttt for anymore jokes []

[mick_weatherill]

 

 

 

Good Clean Pilot fun

 

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe

sheet, which

conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft

during

the flight that need repair or correction.

 

The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in

writing

on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken,

and the

pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.

 

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a

sense of

humor.

 

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems

as

submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by

maintenance

engineers. (By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that

has never

lost a passengers life as a result of an accident.)

 

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)

(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

 

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

 

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

 

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

 

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

 

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per

minute

descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

 

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

 

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

 

P: Friction lock causes throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what they're there for.

 

P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in "OFF" mode.

 

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

 

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Number 3 engine found on right wing after brief search.

 

P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

 

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

 

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

 

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a

midget

pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget.

[mick_weatherill]

 

 

 MAN in Crisis

>

> I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said

> "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on the

> sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep

> every night with a hot 25 year old blonde."

>

> "Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen tv

> but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are

> not holding up your side of things."

>

> My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find

> a hot 25 year old blonde and she would make sure that I would once again

> be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, watching a 10

> inch black and white TV, and sleeping on a sofa bed.

>

> Aren't older women Great! They really know how to solve your mid-life

> crises................

 

 

--

 

 

.

[granby]

Honour of Stupid People . . . In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh!)  

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)

On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)

On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping. (That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's just a suggestion.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me time?)

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (..I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: say what?)

On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

[] [] [] [] []

[mick_weatherill]

 

 

 

 

A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when he hears:

BUMP...


BUMP...


BUMP... behind him.


Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him


BUMP...


BUMP...


BUMP...


Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him

faster...

faster...

BUMP...


BUMP...


BUMP...


He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping

clappity-BUMP...

clappity-BUMP...

clappity-BUMP...

on his heels the terrified man runs.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping toward him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything,but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...


and................................................................

 (Scroll Down)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The coffin stops!
Oh shut up...I thought it was funny.
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

No virus found in this outgoing message.

Checked by AVG Free Edition.

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---

No virus found in this incoming message.

Checked by AVG Free Edition.

Version: 7.1.405 / Virus Database: 268.12.5/451 - Release Date: 19/09/2006

[Guest leebo77]

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed so Mbembe approached it very carefully.  He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large thorn deeply embedded in it.  As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the thorn out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. 

The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him.

For several tense moments Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. 

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

 

Twenty years later he was walking through a zoo with his teenage son.  As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing.  The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe and lifted its front foot off the ground then put it down.  The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.  Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.  Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure.  He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. 

Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him.

 

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

[baser999]

Hasn't this been on the site before..............well I thought it had ? 

[Guest leebo77]

Baser - you're right.  I've just searched and this was on the website earlier in the summer.  Doh - sorry folks, that's the internet for you!!

anyway....

==========

I just got banned from B&Q.  Some bloke in an orange jumper asked me if I wanted decking....

....luckily I got the first punch in!

 

=========

[granby]

How do you kill a circus?

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Go for the juggler!

[markie]

thats as bad as the halloween joke[]

[j-k]

What do you call a DSYLEXIC (sp) Irish Rapper????

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DUFF PADDY

[mick_weatherill]

I would like to be the first to wish you a

Happy Halloween.

[mick_weatherill]

Dear All

I have been given the opportunity to buy half of a race horse.

As I know nothing about horse racing, except the aim is to win loads of dosh,

I wondered if you would like to buy a share of my half of the horse.

I enclose a picture of the horse in full gallop.

What do you think ?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[yogi-]

M8 that looks like Trisha Goddard []

[baser999]

What do you call a DSYLEXIC (sp) Irish Rapper???? . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . DUFF PADDY

Was he the same bloke who went to a toga party dressed as a goat? 

[j-k]

[

I believe thats him......I think he is KO now though...