Man Rules

[wrxmania]

Joke someone sent me:

1. OPENING JARS - She's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it

effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's

work.

2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids

makes you the man.

3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks - camp. A proper tackle

is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling

the man. Magic.

4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here

love. No, I don't need a sharpener, I've got a knife thanks!

5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and as you

thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish noisy

destruction.

6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on

and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards

the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles

to catch up with you. You're hard.

7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.

8. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron

burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".

9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they

just whinge. You on the other hand have physical evidence of your

hardness,sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.

10. NODDING AT COPPERS - A moment's eye contact is all it takes for you to

share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past",it says,

"but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".

11. USING POWER TOOLS - Slightly more powerful than you need or can safely

handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.

12. KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stick that

Becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.

13. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE - And everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're

popular, it just means your mates are ******. However, the rest of the pub

doesn't know that.

14. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - Fat is a feminist issue, apparently.

Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.

15. CARVING THE ROAST - And saying "are you a leg or breast man?" to the

blokes and "do you want stuffing?" to the women. Congratulations, you are

now your dad.

16. WINKING - Turns women to putty. Doesn't it?

17. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - Ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms

with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until

then, we'll make do with the aisles.

18. TAKING OUT 200 QUID FROM A CASHPOINT - Okay, so its for paying the

Plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only

thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.

19. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - Unlike birds, we get straight

to the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See

ya."

20. PARALLEL PARKING - Bosh, straight in. First time. Can Schumacher do

that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you

the worlds best driver.

21. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the

fields in blistering heat. Why?  So, when it's over we can stand there in

silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the

other nurses a foaming jug of ale.Aaaah.

22. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - Especially if you didn't make

a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain hemorrhage".

23. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "A Phillips? For that? Are you mad,

bint?"

Brian []

[bigdavie]

read it before but its still class !!

[st3ph3n]

BINT!

Great word.

[Gumball]

LOL, always the jester Brian[<)]