A smile every day ?!?! Got a joke?

[bigbadboab]

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms or legs.

The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink.

Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy.

With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"!

The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.

Swoooop! Two arms pops out! The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"!

The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs popout. The bar is in chaos.

The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left....then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.

The bar falls silent.

The father moans in grief.

The bartender sighs and says...

 

 

(wait for it)

 

 

(Ya ready?)

 

 

(don't hate me)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"He should have quit while he was a head!"

[gus the bus]

I'm gonna stop sending you jokes anymore Boab if yer gonna post them all up here mate[]

[sharon_mccall]

[8-)][:|][8-)]

[bigbadboab]

I'm gonna stop sending you jokes anymore Boab if yer gonna post them all up here mate[]

 

[][][]

[gus the bus]

[]

[G.Mac]

Sick Joke

 

there is the tower with a bell at the top that this priest rings every day at 6 o'clock. But the priest is getting old, so he runs a newspaper ad: "Bell Ringer Wanted". Well, only one guy answers the ad; a quadrapelgic in a wheelchair.

The priest says, "I don't think you are the man for the job."

But the quadraplegic says, "Just get me up there, I can do it."

"Well, no one else applied, so the job is yours."

So at 6 o'clock the man is up there in his wheelchair. He wheels over to the bell and slams into with his face, ringing the bell. He backs up and starts wheeling over there again, veers off to the left, falls out of the tower and he's dead.

A group of townsfolk gather 'round, and one of them asks, "does anyone know who this guy is?"

The priest says, "I don't know his name, but his face sure rings a bell!"

So there is still no one to ring the bell. The priest runs his ad again, and again only one guy applies. Another quadraplegic, brother of the first guy who had the job.

"Things didn't work out so well with your brother," said the priest.

"Anything my brother could do I can do better," said the applicant.

"Well, no one else applied, so the job is yours."

At 6 o'clock, the man is up in the tower in his wheelchair. He wheels over to the bell, slams into it with his face, and rings it. He backs up, wheels over again, veers off to the right, falls out of the tower, and he is dead. Again the townsfolk gather.

"Does anyone know who this guy is?"

The priest says, "well, I don't know his name, but he's a dead ringer for his brother!"

[SEEVERS]

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had  not had a  date

or sex

in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with

her,

so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist.

Her doctor recommended that she go see Dr Chang, the well-known Chinese

sex

therapist So she went to see him.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr Chang said,  " OK, preeze take

off

All your crose."

The woman did as she was told.

"Now, get down and craw reery reery fass to odder side of loom."

Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr Chang then said, "OK,

now

craw reery reery fass back to me."

So she did. Dr Chang slowly shook his head and said, "Your probrem vewy

bad.

You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf

sex

or dates."

Confused, the woman asked, "Oh my God, Dr Chang, what is Ed Zachary

Disease?"

"Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your arse."

Ha Ha Ha

 

Del.

[FastScooby]

Calling In Sick

Kung Chow called his boss and said: "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache, leg hurt, I not come work."

The boss says: "Kung Chow I really need you today. When I feel sick like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that."

Two hours later Kung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great, I be at work soon. You got nice house."

[]

[Baz81]

PSML at the bell ringer...

 

Official Warning

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local

pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.

Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It

comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by

female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to

go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to

consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings

attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several

beers,men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific

looking women whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking

beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened

to them the night be fore, often with just a vague feeling that

"something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of

their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." In extreme

cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the

unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred

to as"marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer

is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall

victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male

support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking

encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support gron nearest

you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.

[sharon_mccall]

A vampire bat comes flapping into his cave one night covered in fresh blood and parks himself up on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

After a few minutes all the other bats smell the blood and start to hassle him about where he got it. He tells them to go away and let him sleep but the bats continue their pestering until he finally gives in.

"OK, follow me," he says and flies out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. They go down through a valley, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slows down and all the other bats excitedly mill around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asks.

"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all scream in a hungry frenzy.

"Good," says the first bat, wearily. "Cos I didn't"  

[]

 

[Baz81]

PLEASE BE WARNED...

 

I don't know whether you shop at Tesco, but I am sure you will want to

know about this.

I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. This happened to me

at Tesco and it could happen to you.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 18-year-old girls come over to your car as you

are packing your shopping in the boot. They both start wiping your

windscreen with a rag, with their breasts almost falling out of their

skimpy t-shirts.

It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip,

they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another supermarket.

You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having 'fun'

with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and

pleasures you orally, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen Friday night, Saturday afternoon, Sunday morning and

also yesterday.

[bigbadboab]

Click the link then click arrow then anywhere on the screen.

 

http://www.brackenspub.com/beer.swf

[wrxmania]

Like that one []

[bigbadboab]

Thats why I spend my nights on a drip so I don't wake up with a fright[:|]

[sharon_mccall]

60 Things never to say to a naked guy!

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.

2. Ahh, it's cute.

3. Who circumcised you?

4. Why don't we just cuddle?

5. You know they have surgery to fix that.

6. It's more fun to look at.

7. Make it dance.

8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.

9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?

10. It looks like a night crawler.

11. Wow, and your feet are so big.

12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.

13. It's ok, we'll work around it.

14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?

15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.

16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?

17. Oh no, a flash headache.

18. (giggle and point)

19. Can I be honest with you?

20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.

21. Let me go get my tweezers.

22. How sweet, you brought incense.

23. This explains your car.

24. You must be a growing boy.

25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.

26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.

27. Are you one of those pygmies?

28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?

29. Every heard of clearasil?

30. All right, a treasure hunt!

31. I didn't know they came that small.

32. Why is God punishing you?

33. At least this won't take long.

34. I never saw one like that before.

35. What do you call this?

36. But it still works, right?

37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.

38. It looks so unused.

39. Do you take steroids?

40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.

41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.

42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?

43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.

44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?

45. Aww, it's hiding.

46. Are you cold?

47. If you get me real drunk first.

48. Is that an optical illusion?

49. What is that?

50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.

51. Were you neutered?

52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.

53. Does it come with an air pump?

54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.

55. Where are the puppet strings?

56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.

57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.

58. Never mind, why bother.

59. Is that a second belly button?

60. Where's the rest of it?

[][]

[STi_Bandit]

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her tiny breasts. Dr. Smith advised her, "Every day after your shower rub your chest and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."

She did this faithfully for several months and it worked! She grew terrific D-cup boobs! One morning she was running late, got on the bus and in a panic realised she had forgotten her morning ritual.

Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."

A guy sitting nearby looked at her, "By any chance, are you a patient of Dr. Smith's?" "Why, yes I am... How did you know?" He leaned closer, winked and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock..."

[karps]

A woman sitting in an Australian restaurant suddenly began to cough.

After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress,

and two locals, Kenzie and Brian sitting at the next table turned to

look at her.

Kin ya swaller? asked Kenzie

The woman signalled 'No!', desperately shaking her head.

Kin ya breathe?" asked Brian. The woman shook her head No!!!

With that, Kenzie walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress,

yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her

ar*e.

This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction

flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.

Kenzie swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.

Brian turned to his mate said in admiration "Ya know Kenzie, I'd heard

of that bloody Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever

seen somebody do it."

[sharon_mccall]

karps that's the best joke yet. Class. [Y]

[Baz81]

TOP 5 SMART ANSWERS FOR 2004...according to Reader's Digest:

Smart Arse Answer #5:

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check

tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and

he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a

beat....she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

Smart Arse Answer #4:

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store,

but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock

boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No

ma'am, they're dead."

Smart Arse Answer #3:

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding

rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop

said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way

without a ticket.

Smart Arse Answer #2:

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that

reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right

ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up

for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car

and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says,

"Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this

bridge and ran out of gas."

AND NOW FOR THE #1 SMART ARSE ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2004

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now

class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I

might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or

illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other

excuses whatsoever!" A smart arse guy in the back of the room raised

his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was

suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class

is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the

teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly

says "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other

hand."

[STi_Bandit]

 

A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to

a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually

looks at his watch for a moment. The women notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

 

"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I

was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art  watch? What's so special about it?"

Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The

lady says, "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers...."

 

 The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am  wearing knickers!"

 

Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast".