Baz81 Posted February 5, 2006 Posted February 5, 2006 This was a thought that I had, Owning a Scooby has two sides. When all is good its great fun and a stress relief and a rush better that Mr Columbia but when it goes Pete Tong there’s anger, upset and a sore wallet (I know from experience).. It's known that a smile can relieve multitudes of stress levels so my though is, “Post a joke, saying or story“. How many of us get a funny text or story?? So save £10 sending it to all your mates on your phone. Post it?! <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /> Any time, day or night. Enlighten someone’s day with a giggle. Life is to serious and its not a rehearsal!
andy Posted February 5, 2006 Posted February 5, 2006 Since I just read this on another site... Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, “he had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream van hadn't come along.”
Ken 275 Posted February 5, 2006 Posted February 5, 2006 Warning! Corny Joke Approaching. The Lone Drinker The Lone Ranger and his American-Indian friend Tonto come up to a small town after days of walking. The night is cold and they are both thirsty, so they decide to go have a drink at the local bar. A sign on the door of the bar reads “NO INDIANS.” The Lone Ranger says, to Tonto, “Sorry friend, but you will have to wait outside. Run around so you won't get cold.” So Tonto nods his head in approval, and begins to jog around the establishment. After about an hour and six whiskeys later, the Sheriff comes in to the saloon, strolls over to The Lone Ranger and says, “I've come to tell you that you've left your ‘Injun’ running outside!”
bigbadboab Posted February 5, 2006 Posted February 5, 2006 No meant to offend anyone, but here goes A Weegie walks into the local job centre, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Awwriiiight big man... you know, I just HATE being on benefit, I'd really rather hae a joab." The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chaffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is £200,000 a year". The Weegie says, "You're bullshittin' me!" Social worker says, "Yeah, well, you f**king started it."
G.Mac Posted February 5, 2006 Posted February 5, 2006 DWARFS Two dwarfs pull two girls and take them home. The first dwarf can't get it up & to make things worse all night he hears the second dwarf saying "here i come again, 1... 2...3..........uuh" Next morning the first dwarf says to the second dwarf "how embaressing i couldnt even get an erection" The second dwarf replies " you think thats bad ............ I couldn't even get on the f..ckin bed!" Graeme
sharon_mccall Posted February 5, 2006 Posted February 5, 2006 an old lady and her chauffeur are out driving when they get a flat tyre. the driver gets out and proceeds to try and remove the wheel trim. a few minutes later he's still struggling the old lady sticks her head out the window and says "do you want a screwdriver" em. yeah. ok, might as well, cos i cant get the wheel off.[] what do u do if a bird craps on yer car? don't ask her out again! [:|]
G.Mac Posted February 5, 2006 Posted February 5, 2006 what do u do if a bird craps on yer car? don't ask her out again! [:|] You trying to tell us something???????? []
sharon_mccall Posted February 5, 2006 Posted February 5, 2006 You trying to tell us something???????? erm....no......? [8-)]
G.Mac Posted February 5, 2006 Posted February 5, 2006 Forgive your enemies Sunday's sermon was "Forgive your enemies".... Toward the end of the service, the minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands. The minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady. "Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any.", She replied, smiling sweetly. "Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-eight.", she replied. "Oh Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?" The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: "I outlived the bitches."
G.Mac Posted February 5, 2006 Posted February 5, 2006 How many jokes are we allowed to post in 1 day cos ive got LOADS
ally-b Posted February 5, 2006 Posted February 5, 2006 If they are anything like that one - you've used your quota []
Gumball Posted February 5, 2006 Posted February 5, 2006 winston- Winston went to heaven and god gave him a pair of wings. Winston said "am i an angel now?" God said "NO YOUR A BAT NOW FEK OFF"
sharon_mccall Posted February 5, 2006 Posted February 5, 2006 A man limps into a bar with a cane and alligator. The bartender stops him and says "Hold on a second here - you can't bring that animal in here, they aren't allowed!" So the man says, "But my gator here does a really cool trick..." The bartender says "Well then, lets see!" So the man whips out his willy and shoves it in the gators mouth. He then takes his cane and starts bashing the gator in the head with it. A crowd gathers around and everyone is astonished when he pulls out his willy without a single scratch. He looks around at the crowd and says, "Does anyone else want to try?" An old lady raises her hand and says..."Sure i will try it, but don't hit me with that stick." []
andy Posted February 5, 2006 Posted February 5, 2006 DEFINTIONS 1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.Female...... Any part under a car's hood. Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra. 2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. Male.... Playing cricket without a box. 3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys. 4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n. Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family. Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one. 5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book. Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer. 6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. Female.... An embarrassing by product of indigestion. Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding. 7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it. 8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another. Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
neilswrx Posted February 6, 2006 Posted February 6, 2006 a dog walk,s into an ironmonger,s store any chance of a job say,s the dog f--k me says the ironmonger a talkin dog ,err no have you tried the circus? what the f--k whould the circus want witha plumber says the dog
G.Mac Posted February 6, 2006 Posted February 6, 2006 QUICK-THINKING KIDS Kids in school think quickly ....and will make you laugh as long as they aren't yours! TEACHER : Maria, go to the map and find North America. MARIA : Here it is! TEACHER : Correct. Now class, who discovered America? CLASS : Maria! ___________________________________________________________ TEACHER : Why are you late, Frank? FRANK : Because of the sign. TEACHER : What sign? FRANK : The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow." ___________________________________________________________ TEACHER : John, why are you doing your multiplication on the floor? JOHN : You told me to do it without using tables! ___________________________________________________________ TEACHER : Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?" GLENN : K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L" TEACHER : No, that's wrong GLENN : Maybe it s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it! ___________________________________________________________ TEACHER : Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? DONALD : H I J K L M N O!! TEACHER : What are you talking about? DONALD : Yesterday you said it's H to O! ___________________________________________________________ TEACHER : Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. WINNIE : Me! ___________________________________________________________ TEACHER : Goss, why do you always get so dirty? GOSS : Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. ___________________________________________________________ TEACHER : Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I." MILLIE : I is... TEACHER : No, Millie..... Always say, "I am." MILLIE : All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet." ___________________________________________________________ TEACHER : Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE? TINO : Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time." ___________________________________________________________ TEACHER : George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?" LOUIS : Because George still had the ax in his hand. ___________________________________________________________ TEACHER : Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? SIMON : No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook. ___________________________________________________________ TEACHER : Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his? CLYDE : No, teacher, it's the same dog!; __________________________________________________________ TEACHER : Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? HAROLD : A teacher.
sharon_mccall Posted February 6, 2006 Posted February 6, 2006 TEACHER : Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? HAROLD : A teacher. PMSL - those are good!
ally-b Posted February 6, 2006 Posted February 6, 2006 Fuxache Sharon , Don't encourage him [] Al. Ps: Whats E.T. short for ? Cos He's got wee legs [] Al.
andy Posted February 6, 2006 Posted February 6, 2006 Johnny is off school for a day. Next day he returns and the teacher says "Why weren't you at school yesterday Johnny?" Johnny replies "Sorry Miss, Daddy got burned" Teacher says "Oh dear, I do hope it wasn't serious" Johnny: "Well Miss, they don't f*** about at the Crematorium"
G.Mac Posted February 6, 2006 Posted February 6, 2006 Nudist colony A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony.On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?" The man replies, "No, what do you mean?" She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her. The man continues to explore the colony's facilities.He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man. "No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer. "You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him. The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says. The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the £250 membership fee." "But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours.You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities." The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 15 times a day." Get it up ye Bongo....lol[]
G.Mac Posted February 7, 2006 Posted February 7, 2006 Todays Joke is ....Sister Mary Catheriene Sister Mary Katherine Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence. The Priest said,"Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so" Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years.You can speak two words." Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed." "I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed." After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest. "You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine. "Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future. On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today." "I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine. "It's probably best", said the Priest, "You've done f**k all but moan since you got here. [][]Graeme
Baz81 Posted February 7, 2006 Author Posted February 7, 2006 Well its offical, everyone at work thinks I've finally gone mad.. sitting read the jobs laughing m y head off. Here's one. A mans is bed making live to his wife when he say's "Darling, turn round so I can give you the social security position" His wife looks at him a says "What the the hell is that ?!?!" Her husband replied " Well, turn round and when you feel my balls baning agains your bum your getting The Full Benefit!!!"
sharon_mccall Posted February 7, 2006 Posted February 7, 2006 A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me!" The bemused passenger apologised and said, "I didn't realise that a little tap would scare you so much" The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a taxi driver - I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."[]
bigbadboab Posted February 8, 2006 Posted February 8, 2006 A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me!" The bemused passenger apologised and said, "I didn't realise that a little tap would scare you so much" The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a taxi driver - I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."[] PMSL[] Thats the best one yet Sharon
andy Posted February 8, 2006 Posted February 8, 2006 A blind man wanders into a l esbian biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair -- given that you are blind * that you should know five things: 1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. 2. The bouncer is a blonde girl. 3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter. 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. "Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "Nah... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now