baser999 Posted April 17, 2007 Posted April 17, 2007 Man is suffering with a teee..rrr...ii..bbl...eee stu...tt...eeeeeeer and goes to see his Doctor. "Doo...oooccc...ttt..or, I I I have this terr..ii..bb..leeee, stu..tt..er can you you you help me?" The doctor tells the guy to strip off and lay on the couch. After an initial check up the Doctor couldn't see what was wrong until the guy stood up to get dressed when and it became obvious. "Sir, you have an exceptionally large penis which when you stand up is putting extra strain on your abdominal muscles which in turn is pulling on your vocal chords" "Well,ll,ll how can tha..t tha..t be cured Doc?" "I would suggest we amputate six inches off your penis!" Reluctantly the man agrees, has the operation there and then and returns home. A month later he returns to see the Doctor. "Hi, Doctor, that amputation has certainly cured my stutter although my sex life is now virtually non-existent so I was wondering if I might have that piece of penis sewn back on" "F...F...F...F...F...uuuu..cccc...kkkk of...f!"
topher51 Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 Job Interview 'Killer Question' >> You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. >> >> You pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the >> bus: >> >> 1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die. >> 2. An old friend who once saved your life. >> 3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about. >> >> Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there >> could only be one passenger in your car. Think before you continue >> reading. >> >> This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part >> of a job application. >> >> You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and >> thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend >> because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance >> to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect >> dream lover again. >> >> The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble >> coming up with an answer WHAT DID HE SAY? >> >> He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend,and >> let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait >> for the bus with the woman of my dreams." >> >> Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn >> thought limitations. Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box." >> >> However, the correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her >> out of her misery, shag the perfect partner against the bus stop and >> drive off with the old friend for some beer. >>
topher51 Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 sorry ladies , am just forwarding this one , didn't find it funny at all !!!!! hahahahahaha WOMEN'S ENGLISH 1. Yes = No 2. No = Yes 3. Maybe = No 4. We need = I want 5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry 6. We need to talk = you're in trouble 7. Sure, go ahead = you better not 8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later 9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron! 10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about? MEN'S ENGLISH 1. I am hungry = I am hungry 2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy 3. I am tired = I am tired 4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage! 5. I love you = let's have sex now 6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex? 7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you 8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you 9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you 10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you 11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay
topher51 Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 How to make a woman happy It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be: 1. a friend 2. a companion3. a lover 4. a brother 5. a father 6. a master 7. a chef 8. an electrician9. a carpenter 10. a plumber 11. a mechanic 12. a decorator 13. a stylist14. a sexologist 15. a gynaecologist16. a psychologist 17. a pest exterminator 18. a psychiatrist 19. a healer 20. a good listener 21. an organizer 22. a good father 23. very clean 24. sympathetic 25. athletic 26. warm 27. attentive 28. gallant 29. intelligent 30. funny 31. creative 32. tender 33. strong 34. understanding 35. tolerant 36. prudent 37. ambitious 38. capable 39. courageous 40. determined 41. true 42. dependable 43. passionate 44. compassionate WITHOUT FORGETTING TO: 45. give her compliments regularly 46. love shopping 47. be honest 48. be very rich 49. not stress her out 50. not look at other girls AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO: 51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself 52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself 53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes IT IS VERY IMPORTANT: 54. Never to forget: * birthdays * anniversaries * arrangements she makes HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY 1. Show up naked 2. Bring food
woody-cdas Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 FPMSL [] I I I I've ggggg oooot a very big stustustutter [][][]
kaan_ors Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 Quote FPMSL [] I I I I've ggggg oooot a very big stustustutter [][][] Been playing with the vacuum pump again have we?!? []
woody-cdas Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 Don't tell everyone m8 or they'll all want one![]
topher51 Posted April 19, 2007 Posted April 19, 2007 A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk,"Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk answers, "Yes, oi am." So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies, "No, oi haven't found Jesus." The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a >little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, you found Jesus my brother?" The drunk again answers, "No,oi I haven't found Jesus." By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?" > > > > > > > > > > > >The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the Preacher, > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > " Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
topher51 Posted April 19, 2007 Posted April 19, 2007 A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude." "You must be in IT," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip." The woman below responded, "You must be in Management." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my f**king fault."
topher51 Posted April 19, 2007 Posted April 19, 2007 With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokey Cokey" died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.
woody-cdas Posted April 19, 2007 Posted April 19, 2007 FPMSLSMIWMP [][:$]- love the IT manager one m8. I can see your going to be a good contributer to the morning funnies Chris.
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