Sunday funny

[glen_miller]

A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor's for a physical. The doctor runs
some tests and says to the man, ''Well, everything seems to be in top
condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection
with God?''

And the man says, ''Oh me and God? We're tight. We have a real bond,
he's good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the
bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he
turns it back off.''

Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished. He called the man's
wife and said, ''I'd like to speak to you about your husband's
connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use
the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him
again when he leaves. Is this true?''

And she says, ''That idiot, he's been peeing in the fridge''

[<)]

[rossyboywrx]

lol[]

[yogi-]

PMSL []

[dazzlers82]

fpmsl

[Guest leebo77]

LOL. Very Good.

[gina_winder]

 

No s*x tonight?

(From a man)

 I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much.

 And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. 

I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

 FOR EXAMPLE

 

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

  Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says 

"I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." 

I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!" 

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to  hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman 

enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

  She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just 

love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" 

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. 

We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed 

department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. 

She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just 

buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I 

said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewellery 

department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. 

Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I 

was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing 

me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. 

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." 

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. 

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, 

"I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

 I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out,

 

"No honey, I don't feel like it." 

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled

 "WHAT???!!!"

 

I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. 

You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me

 to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." 

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added,

 "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

 Apparently I'm not having s*x tonight either

[glen_miller]

FPMSL!!!!!!!!

[yogi-]

LMAO []

[dazzlers82]

pmsl.

[Guest leebo77]

FPMSL

[glen_miller]

A lady walks into a bar and sees a really cute guy sitting at the counter.

She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.

"Magic Beer", he says.

She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after

that there is no one else worth talking to,goes back to the man sitting

at the bar and says,

"That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"

"Yes, I'll show you." He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the

window, flies around the building 3 times and comes back in the window.

The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again."

He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window.

She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."

She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window,

plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.

The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk!"