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Diary of an Englishman living in the highlands (joke)


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Posted

I've edited all he sweary words (I think)

_____________________________________

"OUR FIRST WINTER "

DEC 20TH

It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the first we've seen

for years the wife and I took out our hot toddies and sat on the porch

watching the fluffy soft flakes drift gently down clinging to the trees

and covering the ground. It's so beautiful and peaceful.

DEC 24th

We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white glistening

snow covering as far as the eye could see. What a fantastic sight,every

tree and bush covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shovelled snow for

the first time ever and loved it. I did both our driveway and

the pavement. Later that day a snowplough came along and accidentally

covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver

smiled and waved. I waved back and shovelled it away again. The children

next door built a snowman with coal for eyes and a carrot for a nose, and had

a snowball fight, a couple just missed me and hit the car so I threw a couple back and joined in their fun.

DEC 26th

It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature dropped to

around minus 8 degrees. Several branches on our trees and bushes snapped

due to the weight of the snow. I shovelled our driveway again. Shortly

afterwards the snowplough came by and did his trick again. Much of the snow

is now a brownish - grey.

JAN 1st

Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon became ice

when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tyres for both our cars.

Fell on my arse in the driveway. Went to a physio but nothing was broken.

JAN 5th

Still cold. Sold the wife's car and bought her a 4x4 to get her to work.

She slid into a wall and did considerable damage to the right wing.

Had another 8 inches of white sh*te last night. Both vehicles are covered

in salt and iced up slush that b*stard snowplough came by twice today.

Where's that bloody shovel.

JAN 9th

More f*****g snow. Not a tree or bush on our property

that hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep

from freezing to death with candles and a paraffin heater which tipped

over and nearly torched the house. I managed to put the flames out

but suffered 2nd Degree burns on my hands. Lost all my eye brows and

eyelashes. Car hit a f******g deer on the way to casualty and was written off.

JAN 13th

F****** b******d white sh*te just keeps on coming down.

Have to put on every article of clothing just to go to the post box the

little c***s next door ambushed me with snowballs on the way back -

I'll shove that carrot so far up the little pricks arse it'll take a good

surgeon hours to find it. If I ever catch the asshole that drives the

snowplough I'll chew open his chest and rip out his heart with my teeth.

I think the b******d hides around the corner and waits for me to finish

shovelling and then he accelerates down the street like Michael "f*****g"

Schumacher and buries the f******g driveway again.

JAN 17th

16 more sodding inches of f*****g snow and f*****g ice and f*****g sleet

and god knows what other white sh*te fell last night. I am in court in 3

months time for assaulting the snowplough driver with an ice-pick. Can' t

move my f*****g toes. Haven't seen the sun for 5 weeks.

Minus 20 and more f*****g snow forecast

F**K THIS, I'M MOVING BACK TO LONDON

Posted

Interesting reading Dave .......very ..............................................................................................

sorry just dozed off , what was I reading ? face-icon-small-tongue.gif

Andy

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