Lincolnshire Earthquake Appeal Please Give Generously

[jd]

A major earthquake measuring 5.3 on the Richter scale hit Lincolnshire in the early hours today .Its epicentre was in the Market Rasen area. Victims were seen meandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell".

The earthquake decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of historic tractors were damaged beyond repair and all three of the County's compoooooters went down.

Three areas of historic scare crows were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their press gang Transit mini buses arrived.

Lincs FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Lincolnshire.

One strange effect of the earthquake was to startle thousands of toads into action - but most residents returned to their homes within minutes

One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes come running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Jeremey Kyle later in the morning."

Another resident said, 'I was in bed with my five daughters and their grandmother, as usual, and on feeling the vibrations I nudged my mum in the back and said 'Has that disturbed the ducks, Duck?'

Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals.

Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.

Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:

Fila or Burberry baseball caps

Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)

Shell suits (female)

White sport socks

Wellington Boots & Barbour jackets

Rockport boots and any other items usually sold in Primark.

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.

Required foodstuffs include:

Microwave meals, Tins of baked beans, Ice cream, Cans of Colt 45 or

Special Brew.

22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms and their giros.

£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9.

£5 buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

Breaking news***

Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry

alco-pop.

'Where are you bleeding from?' they asked, "S(Oops I said the C word)horpe" said the girl,

wossit gotta do wiv you?" (And who put the ---- in S(Oops I said the C word)horpe anyway?)

Please don't forward this to anyone living in Spalding/Boston area - oh,

sod it... they won't be able to read it anyway

ps - blatantly nicked from elsewhere but funny as fek

[james04]

still no sign of pakistan setting up an earthquake fund for us ,next time they have one f##k em.

[edmondo]

still no sign of pakistan setting up an earthquake fund for us ,next time they have one f##k em.

thats very naughty Dean.....................................very funny though

[edmondo]

A major earthquake measuring 5.3 on the Richter scale hit Lincolnshire in the early hours today .Its epicentre was in the Market Rasen area. Victims were seen meandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell".

The earthquake decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of historic tractors were damaged beyond repair and all three of the County's compoooooters went down.

Three areas of historic scare crows were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their press gang Transit mini buses arrived.

Lincs FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Lincolnshire.

One strange effect of the earthquake was to startle thousands of toads into action - but most residents returned to their homes within minutes

One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes come running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Jeremey Kyle later in the morning."

Another resident said, 'I was in bed with my five daughters and their grandmother, as usual, and on feeling the vibrations I nudged my mum in the back and said 'Has that disturbed the ducks, Duck?'

Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals.

Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.

Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:

Fila or Burberry baseball caps

Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)

Shell suits (female)

White sport socks

Wellington Boots & Barbour jackets

Rockport boots and any other items usually sold in Primark.

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.

Required foodstuffs include:

Microwave meals, Tins of baked beans, Ice cream, Cans of Colt 45 or

Special Brew.

22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms and their giros.

£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9.

£5 buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

Breaking news***

Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry

alco-pop.

'Where are you bleeding from?' they asked, "S(Oops I said the C word)horpe" said the girl,

wossit gotta do wiv you?" (And who put the ---- in S(Oops I said the C word)horpe anyway?)

Please don't forward this to anyone living in Spalding/Boston area - oh,

sod it... they won't be able to read it anyway

ps - blatantly nicked from elsewhere but funny as fek

very funny Steve - I was looking for that yesterday as I have someone from Bristol start in the Office and needed that to take the mick

[kevlorn]

still no sign of pakistan setting up an earthquake fund for us ,next time they have one f##k em.

your not wrong............,f**ck em all.............lets look after ourselves first..get rid of all the imagrants etc first,,would save us a small fortune to start with..now ive started something.lol

[james04]

[Terry Butcher]

oi u gits i still live up here (till march 28th) so watch it!! Soon be down there with you all now I have the new job in Paignton

[jd]

nice one terry, see you soon.

[Terry Butcher]

nice one terry, see you soon.

was quite funny!! Trying to persuade some of the guys from LJP and TA to visit and maybe have a joint meet down there with you guys and RIP, Might get a couple of them down. Maybe Rob in his 435bhp beastie.

[jd]

would be good, we have a drag meet on april 13th

[Bailey73]

was quite funny!! Trying to persuade some of the guys from LJP and TA to visit and maybe have a joint meet down there with you guys and RIP, Might get a couple of them down. Maybe Rob in his 435bhp beastie.

What has he got running that 435BHP?

[Terry Butcher]

just a scoob, think he is detuning it pretty soon, down to 350.